Arrive at realizations that everyone else has already reached, crude truisms you’d idealistically dismissed or ignored. Money is power, pretty is good, sexism is the status quo. Adults don’t know what they’re doing, most mistakes matter, and you will never be cool.

“Scott,” he says. “I know Bill has been playing every single minute for us for the past year-and-a-half, since right after that fall formal, you know, when he came up to me at the punch bowl and started rubbing my back and said, ‘Why don’t you give me a shot at the title, coach?’ But…

He has feelings. When you’re upset about something, he actually has the audacity to ask if you’re okay. Between sobs, you want to tell him that it’s not his job to care. He’s required to be incredulous about your emotions 24/7. There’s supposed to be comic misunderstandings, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,…

I remember when we met. We were 6 years old and climbing trees; we were 13 years old and discovering boys; we were 18 years old and starting university, we were 22 years old and falling in love for the first time: whenever, no matter, we were just kids then. We still are, but when…

Worry that your relationship lacks definition because you are vastly over-invested (you are) (this is the most clarity and insight you will have throughout this whole situation). Spend more time being concerned that things aren’t going to pan out the way you want them to than actually doing anything to cause them to pan out…

Am I seriously having a Sixteen Candles moment? Thank God I don’t care about my birthday because I would be really bummed right now if I did. I’m so happy that I’m immune to societal pressures and don’t care about my age or my future or anything for that mater! So very glad.

When I turn 25, I should stop being shocked by the fact that my peers are getting married. Proclaiming yourself husband and wife in your mid-twenties doesn’t completely read as a colossal mistake. It’s more of like a 30% mistake and 70% “Oh my god, young married couple. That’s kind of cute!”

Behavior: Avoiding eye contact. Likely to happen when: You’re talking to your crush. In confrontation. You’re talking to someone who intimidates you. You’re talking to someone you hate. Why? It’s another way of making the experience less real – of trying to trick yourself that you’re not actually in a situation that makes you feel…

Nothing pains me more than waiting for a VIP text message. Whether it’s a text from your ex, someone you’re planning on having sex with later, or your drug dealer telling you to go to some seedy location, you’ll be kept on pins and needles until your phone vibrates and makes that luscious beautiful sound…

Get into a drunken fight with them at a nightclub and scream “You know what you did!” just like Lauren and Heidi did on The Hills. Your lover won’t actually have done anything wrong but they’ll be so confused and also drunk that they’ll apologize and maybe cry and you’ll have amazing sex and your…

This is for you, little brother, on your 18th birthday, and for all the other little brothers and sisters who are being asked by life to please leave childhood behind, thank you very much.

They’re my friends—I know what they think their problem areas are, I know what colors they think they don’t look good in, I know if wearing a 4-inch heel makes them homicidal. These questions are not for them.