R&B is such a truly wonderful genre of music. The sheer, blinding earnestness of so many people trying not only to market sex itself, but how sexy they are as individuals, is something to be admired. It’s strange, almost surreal, watching so many grown men declare, insist, that they are incredible at the act of…

I’m sorry, but no amount of love, no Leo and Kate or Jim and Pam or Carrie and Big love, could ever justify the unimaginable bullshit that is eating dinner on the same side of a cramped table.

I want to impart my newfound wisdom to all of the readers who want their apartment to stop smelling like One Night Stand and Regret. Listen carefully, grasshoppers.

Um, you’re creepy? Um, you’re too old? Um, you’re too aggressive? Um, you smell like onions? Um, I think you have a boyfriend? Um, you just graduated high school? Um, I just ate a burrito and am not DTF? Um, you’re not cute? Um, I need to feel empowered by rejecting you?

It’s all a game we play. You’re not supposed to know how much power you had over me. You’re not supposed to how much I thought about you, how often I thought about what were you doing, how often you reduced me to tears.

Texting me after 10 on a weeknight is a lost cause dude. I’m watching episodes of Seinfeld on my couch, in my sweatpants, eating pizza. I turned off Social Me like an hour ago, and once I turn it off for the night, it doesn’t come back on until tomorrow, midday at the earliest.

Your boss could be a fat eyesore and you might still want to sleep with them sometimes. Think of Alec Baldwin in 30 Rock. Dude is seriously old and portly but there’s something so sexy about him. What could it be? Oh right, a little thing called power, which makes the sex world go ’round.

A relatively small sampling of the many different types of girls who like girls you can expect to encounter in gay bars nationwide. If you don’t come across any of these, you are clearly not at a gay bar.

“Do you know *insert name of possible mutual friend here*? Because they also went to Bradford High and I thought you might know them. Oh, you don’t? It’s a really big school but I figured there was a chance. Okay.”

All the pretty girls went to the same sleepovers and told the same secrets and wore the same make up. They talked about the cute boys in their grade, the boys they knew could be theirs if they wanted them. They were starting to understand what having a beautiful face meant and they were starting…

You learn the procedures, you become familiar with how the different coffee tastes and what it mixes well with. It’s not some magical set of spells and incantations that you learn over high-moon ceremonies as you sacrifice a chicken with your shift manager–it’s making god damn espresso.