Now I Understand, And Now I Forgive You

You were not looking for anything serious and yet you found yourself wondering if you were ready to feel something deep and meaningful again.

You were only looking to get a fun night out of it. But when I shared my story with you, you started thinking that this could mean more than just a simple hook up.

No words could convince you otherwise, and probably rightly so. You had made your decision. You were too scared to hurt me, too scared to be hurt. And yet you were taking my time, my attention, my energy making sure I could get to know you because after all, you were still craving a connection, you were still liking the intimacy, you were still enjoying the idea of someone being there for you. And I was too.

You even went as far as opening up more than you are probably used to with people who are not your closest friends. You shared with me some of your biggest secrets.

That’s when you got me hooked. Because I started caring, I started worrying more than I should have, I started thinking that – despite your words- you were showing me a side of you that not many were able to see. I thought at that moment you were choosing to let me be part of your life.

I started to fall for you. And I fell hard.

Boy, I have tried so hard to stay away from you. I have tried so many times and failed miserably. I have tried to protect myself from the inevitable heartache.

But you kept finding ways to pull me back in, for me to start caring again, for me to be there for you, for me to be your “friend” when we were never friends to begin with.

And now that my heart is broken I understand what all of this was.

I understand it was never me you wanted in your life and close to you. It was her.

I understand I was just someone along your way who helped you figure out what you did not want and who you were still missing in your life. Her.

I understand I was just an emotional rebound and I was filling the void she left in your heart.

I understand you were maybe confused and scared.

I understand you weren’t ready for anything more than what it was.

I understand it now and I forgive you for it all. But most importantly, I forgive myself for allowing you this much.