Oliver Miller

Everything that I need to know in life, I learned from repeated viewings of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. (With the exception of a few things that I picked up from The Empire Strikes Back.) I have watched Star Trek II approximately 2,703 times; I can quote even the boring parts — like the part where they’re flying the ship out of space-dock. …And today, I would like to share some of the important lessons I have learned from this movie.

Today, President Barack Hussein Obama released his long-form birth certificate. This binding legal document proves, once and for all, that our President was born in America, and not in Kenya or Indonesia. Other places where our President was not born include the following: Soviet Russia, France, Switzerland, Freedonia, Shangri-La, and the lost continent of Atlantis.

I dated Stacy in 2004, while I was living in New Orleans, during the precise middle of the Bush years; the year that Bush was running for re-election against John Kerry, the exact year that it started to seem like the whole Bush thing would just never end. (And indeed, it didn’t end for another four years.) It was a bad time for our nation, but a good time — as it turned out — for my sex life.

Well, it’s Easter… again. As a Jew, I remain slightly confused by the concept of Easter — although I believe that it commemorates the day that Jesus brought baked ham and marshmallow Peeps to the Gentiles.

The Japanese are an inscrutable people. In fact, I feel like I’ve never heard the word “inscrutable” used without reference to the Japanese. Sometimes, their entire culture seems like a version of the “idea balls” discussed in that episode of South Park.  Just random combinations of things. …And so, I am proud to bring you the latest iteration of weird Japanese culture — kittens, sitting inside bowls… on a TV show.

Some days, you wake up with a clever/ witty/ insightful “Thought” that you truly feel the need to “Catalog”™ for all the world to read and admire. And then, some days, you wake up and you’re like, “Uhhhhh, are there any funny animal videos on YouTube?” This, my friends, is a day of the second type.

Today is the start of the first full day of Passover. Passover is the best Jewish holiday — although this isn’t saying a lot, considering that one of our other holidays is basically “A Day of Feeling Guilty About Everything…”

Hi, Batman! It’s me, Oliver. As a resident of “Gotham City” (which most people call “Manhattan,” by the way), I had a few quick questions for you. Possibly, you could take a few seconds out of your busy life as playboy-by-day, crime-fighter-by-night, in order to answer them…

I’ve been homeless for about two weeks now. The thing about being homeless is that it’s dehumanizing. Okay, wait. That’s a really dumb and obvious way to start this essay. …The thing about being homeless is that it’s dehumanizing, but you still retain the core of your essential personality, which is weird.

(1) “Now let’s blow this thing and go home!” (2) “Great, kid! …Don’t get cocky!” (3) “You came in here, didn’t you have a plan for getting out?” (4) “It came from… behind!” (5) “He made a fair move. Screaming about it can’t help you.”

(1) “…I am your father!” (2) “You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought!” (3) “We’re starting for the target shaft now!” (4) “Into the garbage chute, flyboy!” (5)  “No reward is worth this!”

Arcade games mirror life: life, which — no matter how much we want to avoid it — can only end with one inevitable result.  Or, as an eminent poet once put it: “…For I haue dyscust/ We ar but dust/ And dy we must.”