Oliver Miller

Everything can be boring sometimes; that’s just a part of life. There’s a line in the novel Madame Bovary about “the eternal monotony of passion.” Right. Even the best thing that you can think of can be boring sometimes. I like playing video games, but I get bored with them sometimes, even though video games are designed to be fun.

I have really good taste in book and movies, and then when it comes to music, I just sort of give up. When I start making a mix CD for a friend, I start off with a couple of good tracks by, say, The New Pornographers or someone — and then I start feeling an inevitable drift towards the shitty, shitty songs that I actually love. Then I start coming up with excuses in my head: “Maybe X also likes the Spice Girls,” I say to myself, knowing that this is not, in fact, the case.

I was in all ways a better and more interesting person when I was a little kid. There is one main difference between me as a kid and me now. As a kid, I followed through with shit. Did I want to learn about medieval history as a kid? Then by god, I read every single book ever about medieval history. Did I want to learn how to draw the Superman symbol? Then I would sit at our kitchen table and repetitively draw that symbol until my fingers bled.

1. “…I’m Batman!” 2. “Whoa! You came down that pole like a pro!” 3. “Just the pussy I’ve been lookin’ for!” 4. “…Where does he get those wonderful toys?” 5. “I’m of a mind to make some mookie!”

Shockingly, a conservative writer who gets paid to find evidence of liberal bias in things managed to find liberal bias in a bunch of TV shows — and among these shows was… Sesame Street. Okay; that’s not actually shocking. What is shocking is that a conservative writer decided to bitch and moan about Sesame Street, but missed out on the whole “Bert and Ernie are clearly a gay couple” angle. But oh well.

The sad part of this whole article is, I don’t even like being stoned. I am the worst, most stereotypical stoned person in the world. I get paranoid. I get dry-mouthed. I get the munchies. I laugh at stupid TV. I make phone calls that I shouldn’t make. I want to have sex. I say things like: “Please tell me that I don’t have to leave this room,” or, conversely — “I HAVE to go outside, I can’t handle this scene anymore.”

Monopoly: …Man, what a great game. The best thing about “Monopoly” is this — you get $200 just for passing “Go.” I wish stuff like this happened more often in real life. The only comparison I can think of in real life is when you wake up in bed and someone has made you coffee and breakfast and maybe you get some oral sex out of the deal. Just for waking up!

On September 2nd, your worst fear… will surface. Assuming, of course, that your worst fear is sharks. As for myself, my worst fear is someone stabbing me in the eyes, followed closely by killer bees. But if your number one fear is sharks, then you’re in luck — and you’re in 3-D style luck, to boot.

The list of Disney heroines that I’d really like to have hot sex with goes something like this: (1) Belle from Beauty and the Beast. (2) Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. (3) …An-nnd that’s about it, I guess.

Who says that the world didn’t come to an end, and that the rapture never happened? Yes, the moment that we’ve all been dreading that we didn’t really care about has come to pass — Justin Bieber now has his own brand of perfume. …J-Bieb’s perfume is called “Someday,” and it retails for $35.

No one ever sets out to date a crazy girl, in the same way that no one ever sets out to become a member of a cult. No one’s like, “HEY MAYBE I’LL JOIN AN INSANE CULT TODAY.” No, you just gradually get sucked in — step by step, day by day, hour by hour — until eventually, you’re just as crazy as she is.

Australia has given us many important things over the years, and — okay, that’s completely untrue. Australia has given us exactly three things over the years: Vegemite, koala bears, and that one episode of The Simpsons where they make fun of Australia. …But now, Australia has gone and provided us with yet another thing: a crazy new trend called “planking.”