Oliver Miller
A Review of Passover
Today is the start of the first full day of Passover. Passover is the best Jewish holiday — although this isn’t saying a lot, considering that one of our other holidays is basically “A Day of Feeling Guilty About Everything…”
An Open Letter to Batman
Hi, Batman! It’s me, Oliver. As a resident of “Gotham City” (which most people call “Manhattan,” by the way), I had a few quick questions for you. Possibly, you could take a few seconds out of your busy life as playboy-by-day, crime-fighter-by-night, in order to answer them…
The Thing About Being Homeless
I’ve been homeless for about two weeks now. The thing about being homeless is that it’s dehumanizing. Okay, wait. That’s a really dumb and obvious way to start this essay. …The thing about being homeless is that it’s dehumanizing, but you still retain the core of your essential personality, which is weird.
The Worst Star Wars Quotes to Shout Out During Sex (Part 2)
(1) “Now let’s blow this thing and go home!” (2) “Great, kid! …Don’t get cocky!” (3) “You came in here, didn’t you have a plan for getting out?” (4) “It came from… behind!” (5) “He made a fair move. Screaming about it can’t help you.”
The Worst Star Wars Quotes to Shout Out During Sex
(1) “…I am your father!” (2) “You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought!” (3) “We’re starting for the target shaft now!” (4) “Into the garbage chute, flyboy!” (5) “No reward is worth this!”
A Compendium of Video Game Deaths
Arcade games mirror life: life, which — no matter how much we want to avoid it — can only end with one inevitable result. Or, as an eminent poet once put it: “…For I haue dyscust/ We ar but dust/ And dy we must.”
Submitted For Your Consideration: Alien 3 Is a F#cking Awesome Movie
Alien 3 is a movie that is actively trying to break your heart. The director wrings pathos from the oddest of images: a shot of a dog’s eyes; the image of water running over a knife…
Things That I’m Not Nostalgic For
(1) Girls wearing six-inch tiny black leather backpacks to clubs. ( 2) Going to clubs. (3) The use of the term “Psych!” in middle school. As in, “Oliver, dude, you’re really awesome…” (beat) “…psych!” Totally annoying. If you can’t trust a simple declarative sentence, then what can you trust? (4) Techno.
A Few Quick Thoughts About My Name
Around the time I turned 22, things changed for me and my name. …Girls would have this response when I told them my name: “Oliver? I love that name. That’s such a cu-uuuute name.” And/or: “I love that name! I have a cat named ‘Oliver’!” According to my independent, unverifiable research, about 34% of the girls in the New York City metro area have cats named “Oliver.” I have been unable to figure out why this is or what this means.
Poll: Anne Sexton or Sylvia Plath – Which Poet Would You Rather Bang?
Hot suicidal female poets: we all want to sleep with them. They’re like the sexy crazy girls who talk too loud and smoke clove cigarettes and who drink grain alcohol in the back room of the party. Or at least, I personally always want to sleep with these girls. But the question is, how to choose? Which one? Which one?
Instead of Getting Wasted On St. Patrick's Day, Read The Best Book Ever Written!
And yes, we all hate being told what the best book ever is. And we all hate lists made by experts. But in this case, the experts actually happen to be right, for once. “Ulysses” actually is the best book ever written. And I’ll prove it to you, sort of. And so I present…
How My Relationship With Porn Began
The interesting thing about porn is that people are actually having sex in it. This in itself is weird. If you watch a movie about an archaeologist with five o’clock shadow who is trying to recover the Ark of the Covenant, well, he’s not actually doing these things. If you watch a movie about a plucky band of rebels who rescue a princess and blow up a moon-sized space station, well, that’s not really happening either.
I Dated A Stripper
I must reassert here that I wasn’t just a nerd, I was a SUPER nerd. I didn’t only spend my teenage years playing video games in a basement; that would have been nerdy enough, but in-between that, I would do other absurdly wholesome activities – like, for example, I would bake bread. I would bake bread from scratch. While reading a recipe from a cookbook.
How To Be A Writer
Most people are a thousand times more interesting when they’re talking than when they’re writing. Why is this? Because people panic when they start writing. People instantly revert to memories of 10th grade English class, and memories of No. 2 pencils, and lined notebooks. And then they freak out and tense up. Don’t tense up. Just relax. Seriously.
Holy Shit: They’re Making Atlas Shrugged Into A Movie
Wow, so it’s like “TWO UNPLEASANT PEOPLE AND A TRAIN: THE MOTION PICTURE.” Groovy. And boy, these two people really like trains, and more trains, and metal… and metal-based alloys. Gosh, but it’s all so exciting. (By the way, if you haven’t read the book — the guy who says “My only goal is to make money” — well, he’s the good guy.) Trailer’s inside.
One-Hit Wonders: A Philosophical Exploration
There are novel one-hit wonders (The Secret History, A Confederacy of Dunces). There are poetry one-hit wonders. (Quick! Name a poem by Robert Frost that doesn’t start with “…Whose woods these are I think I know.”) There are movie one-hit wonders (“Fletch” — the only funny Chevy Chase movie ever!) But the area where the art form of the one-hit wonder most excels is, of course… music. And musical one-hit wonders can be divided into three categories…
A History of My Past Few Relationships, Presented in Recipe Form
So when you attempt to heat “American Slice!” to make a grilled cheese sandwich it… inflates. Somehow hot air gets between the two layers of soy and the whole thing inflates, so that it looks like a pillow. A sad pillow made of plastic-y soy. This is never what you want from a grilled cheese sandwich.