Oliver Miller

Consider the following fact. You — and everyone you’ve ever known and loved — will die one day. You can read what I just wrote, and even understand and believe it, but it still doesn’t seem real to you. That’s the magic of denial. Denial is better than booze or drugs or even sex.

If we’ve learned anything about women over the years, it’s that women b’ lovin’ to shop. And shoes. …Women also love shoes. Babies, too; that’s another thing that women love. And the final thing that women b’ lovin’? Falling down in romantic-comedy-type movies. So here’s a montage of that…

Batman! …And now that we’ve gotten your attention, it seems to have been a very bad week for the Dark Knight Defender, the Caped Crusader, etc. First, “Batman” was arrested in Michigan. And now, here’s video footage of a different “Batman” getting beaten up in Las Vegas.

A 31-year-old man dressed as Batman was arrested in Michigan on Wednesday. Police found him hanging helplessly from the side of an office building, which is great, because it gives us a chance to make fun of him. Insert “Holy ______, Batman!” joke here.

Analysis: …These fantasies are fixated on failure, endings, or disaster. The patient exhibits a dangerously high level of narcissism combined with an annoying level of overwroughtnesss. …Recommend that he be confined to a mental ward immediately.

So, hypothetical young person, I present you with the FUNDAMENTAL ASPECTS OF COLLEGE. …Please to enjoy.

Very few people would watch, say, Jaws, and shout out to themselves, “Jesus Christ! That huge shark is coming to kill me!” But this is what happens all the time with video games. You don’t say, “Holy shit, Mario’s gonna be crushed by a boulder!” You say, “Holy shit, a boulder!”

As we all know by now, the assassination of Osama bin Laden has changed everything, in much the same way that 9/11 changed everything. …But still, how can we truly know that this event was important, until there’s a novelty song released about it? And now, that has happened, thank god.

OHHHH, WHO’S A GOOD BOY? DID YOU HELP TAKE DOWN THE MOST WANTED CRIMINAL ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET? OH YES YOU DID. YES YOU DID.

Today, May 4th, is national “Star Wars Day,” when nerds everywhere gather in gleeful celebration of the joy that George Lucas has brought to their lives — with the hopeful exception of those three prequel movies that really really sucked. Of course, President Barack Obama won’t declare “Star Wars Day” to be an official national holiday, just like he can’t catch Osama bin Laden won’t release his birth certificate can’t do something else that we’ll think of later on. …Shame on you, Mr. President!

Before I start this article, I’d just like to say something really quickly — no homo. Okay, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, we can start the actual article.

1) “I need your clothes, your boots, and your catheter.” 2) “Come with me if you want to… make it to Shoney’s in time for the ‘early bird’ buffet.” 3) “Are you Sarah Conner? Seriously, my eyesight isn’t what it used to be.”

Everything that I need to know in life, I learned from repeated viewings of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. (With the exception of a few things that I picked up from The Empire Strikes Back.) I have watched Star Trek II approximately 2,703 times; I can quote even the boring parts — like the part where they’re flying the ship out of space-dock. …And today, I would like to share some of the important lessons I have learned from this movie.

Today, President Barack Hussein Obama released his long-form birth certificate. This binding legal document proves, once and for all, that our President was born in America, and not in Kenya or Indonesia. Other places where our President was not born include the following: Soviet Russia, France, Switzerland, Freedonia, Shangri-La, and the lost continent of Atlantis.

I dated Stacy in 2004, while I was living in New Orleans, during the precise middle of the Bush years; the year that Bush was running for re-election against John Kerry, the exact year that it started to seem like the whole Bush thing would just never end. (And indeed, it didn’t end for another four years.) It was a bad time for our nation, but a good time — as it turned out — for my sex life.

Well, it’s Easter… again. As a Jew, I remain slightly confused by the concept of Easter — although I believe that it commemorates the day that Jesus brought baked ham and marshmallow Peeps to the Gentiles.

The Japanese are an inscrutable people. In fact, I feel like I’ve never heard the word “inscrutable” used without reference to the Japanese. Sometimes, their entire culture seems like a version of the “idea balls” discussed in that episode of South Park.  Just random combinations of things. …And so, I am proud to bring you the latest iteration of weird Japanese culture — kittens, sitting inside bowls… on a TV show.

Some days, you wake up with a clever/ witty/ insightful “Thought” that you truly feel the need to “Catalog”™ for all the world to read and admire. And then, some days, you wake up and you’re like, “Uhhhhh, are there any funny animal videos on YouTube?” This, my friends, is a day of the second type.