5 Ways You’re Holding Yourself Back From Having The Relationship You Want

I get tired of hearing the same BS from people. Maybe it’s because on a lot of levels, I see so much of myself and how I used to see the world in other people’s reasons for love not succeeding. The complaints about how our relationships are just not working out as we had planned – they are words and feelings I’ve expressed.

Yet we’re not really doing anything to change the failures. Much like you, I know how to play the intellectual game. I know how to see life as a victim and rationalize the excuses for why life hasn’t worked out exactly how I had envisioned. But once I became aware of my role in my choices, I could no longer accept how I was showing up to life.

I, like you, desperately crave connection. Connection is why we’re here. Our social media is dedicated to this infatuation with love and we share quotes about all the things we dream of. Hell, I have a whole Instagram related to it. And because of this reality, we can become obsessed with the dream. We see couples all around us laughing and having fun. And we think, “Why not me?! Why do they get a relationship and all I have had is a relationshit?!” (See what I did there?!)

We want love. We want the perfect fairytale, and we want it NOW.

Fact: Very few people’s lives actually reflect this desire. And the irony is we are our own worst enemy. We get in our own way. The beautiful thing about this reality is we can change it.

Here are 5 ways you’re holding yourself back from finding the love you want:

1. You Don’t Know What You Want.

You talk about it. You have a pin board dedicated to it. Quotes fill your phone and you probably even have a tattoo on your ribs about love. But have you ever actually sat down and written out all of the things you want in a partner? Be specific. What is it about health and fitness? How do you want them to be able to communicate? What passions do you want to share? You need to set an intention and provide an invitation. That’s what you’re creating. Often when I ask this question, people will go off about what they don’t want. If that’s what you focus on, that’s exactly what you’ll get, which sets us up perfectly for numero dos.

2. You Don’t Have a Plan. But You Do Have Excuses.

Amazing. You now know what you want, yet you don’t seem to be finding it. And you have all the reasons why this is true. You tell me that online dating is just not for you. That Tinder is just for hook-ups. That “it’s just too hard to meet people….” from your couch. Where do the people you want to meet hang out? Hang out there. Tired of not meeting people? Go out and meet some. It’s easy to meet people. They’re everywhere.

Everybody begins as strangers. Just start the conversation. We need to let go of the fear of rejection. If we refuse to put ourselves out there, do we not realize that we are just choosing to reject ourselves and the possibility of love?

By embracing rejection and talking to anybody and everybody, we open ourselves to the chance. And that is always better than no chance. That is the hope and beginning of the dream coming true. The key question is, are you hanging out in the right places or are you just addicted to the story of how nothing works out and that there are no good people out there, so you never have to change?

3. You Don’t Want What You Want Badly Enough.

It’s no secret that it’s hard to maintain a commitment to the things we want. If it was easy, everyone would have six packs and chocolate would be a salad. The truth is that you talk about the things you want, but you’re not willing to make the changes in your life to get them. You know that list of things you want in a partner? Are you living that list? You say you want someone who does yoga, yet you go to the bar…and then miss yoga. You want someone who loves nutritious foods, but you always get fries on the side. Your life has to reflect your desires. Your life is a product of your choices. What are you choosing? This opens perfectly for number 4:

4. You Don’t Actually Want What You Say You Want.

I love the people who talk about all the wonderful things that they wished filled their lives. They want honesty, commitment, integrity. Yet their life is filled with lies, they are always wearing a mask, they’re banging someone who’s in a relationship and they can’t leave a bar without a companion. I’m not telling you those things are bad (they are). I have chosen some of them in my past as well. The truth is that you have to live within the integrity of your words. You can scream from the rooftops about the love you desire, but would that love ever stop to talk to you with the current life you’re living? When what we say we want and what we’re doing don’t match up, our actions tell the real truth. What are you doing to get the love you want?

5. You Keep Saying Yes to Old Stories.

It’s easy to get caught in our past. To keep being offered the temptations to slip back into the life we used to live that got us the partners we used to get. You need the strength and desire to say “No” to the things you don’t want and “Yes” to more of the things you do.

Here’s what it comes down to:

You have to be willing to open your eyes to the possibility that love can work out. That great relationships do exist. The moment we take control of our lives and our relationships, the sooner we start attracting into our lives people who believe in the same things. People whose lives are a reflection of their choices. And you become each other’s reflection. Love is the chemical reaction to the chemistry we put out there.

Yes, there’s serendipity. Yes, there’s chance. But circumstances don’t come out of nowhere. Accept that our present moment unravels perfectly as does our life if we put ourselves in the places we’re meant to be. Those random smiles on the street, that time you grabbed a coffee by yourself instead of staying home, the time you took yourself on a vacation. All those “times” can become “the time” when you meet someone else who’s taking the leap.

It’s easy to look around us at all the relationships that aren’t great. It’s easy to blame statistics for why things don’t work out or be angry at the world for all of the things we perceived have happened TO us. And I get that you’re scared. We all are. Recognize that we are all on the same boat. We’re all scared of love and pain.

In any and every area of our lives we get caught in the fear of things not working out. As my good friend Kyle Cease says, “We can always measure what we’re going to lose, but we can never measure what we’re going to gain.”

You can’t see the amazing relationship that is just around the corner! You can’t feel the love that is waiting for you or understand that your dreams CAN become a reality. You can’t see that someone else is out there who is just as scared to take the leap as you and they are waiting…

Do you realize how powerful you truly are? Do you see that you are the architect of everything in your life?

The moment we grab life by the balls and start happening to it instead of letting it happen to us is the moment everything changes. It’s the moment that you wake up. And you decide that this world has no choice but to give you the love you want. Once you get clear and truly commit to what you want, the rest will just happen…because you’ll choose it.