Finding The Happiness In The Sadness

Mostly unnoticeable these days, sometimes the scars on my legs catch the light just right. I remember the feelings that led to almost each one. It’s a little morbid, but it’s true. I can’t forget the view of bathroom walls or the own pain in my eyes. The sound of regret, of fear, and of creative lies.

Maybe it’s my birthday coming up or the music I’ve been listening to the last few weeks, but I’ve been thinking about these scars a lot. They seem to be catching the light more these days. I live in a new city now than I did when I was hiding razors and truths, yet looking back, I don’t even recognize that girl.

The sunrise has always been the sunrise, though, forever in history and forever in the future, but I didn’t notice it until I was 21. The mere start of a new day was just as much God’s work then as it is now, but I don’t remember a new day starting and another ending for years. The way the sun hits the beach was always His work of art. I lived by a beach for 18 years and I never even noticed the painting. From the day I was born, Mom’s hugs have been healing, I just chose not to notice. My uncles have always made me laugh so hard, but I never thought I could be both sad and happy. I usually chose sadness. People always have a smile to give, if only I had given them one to take. Instead, I assumed the world was out to get me.

So here I am. 24 now. Older, wiser, I suppose. I don’t know when it happened but I started opening my eyes more. Because those sunrises? They’re stunning. God does this thing where He gives us new days for a reason, and if it’s full of tears, it’s fine. They all won’t be. The way the sun hits the water is insane. I live by the beach again now, and though I don’t see the sun-hitting-the-water painting every day, I see other works of His art. Sometimes it’s the perfect coffee, a warm bed after a long day or a nice compliment. Sometimes, it’s the whole sky of stars or his laugh after a whole year away. Hugs? They’re healing. Every kind and in every way. Songs are to be sung out loud, danced to and shared. Best friends are meant to be made.

God is to be found time and time and time and time again. Smiles are to be shared. People are meant to be loved, and heck, so am I. Sadness is okay. Happiness is, too. Both in the same hour is fine. Tears happen in the bathroom and in the car. They happen during songs, on the phone, during breakfast, and in forever goodbyes.

I just wish I had always known that happiness can be all those places, too.