A Letter To My Almost Boyfriend

I’m not going to lie to you: writing this hurts. I thought we were going to take over the world together, but sadly, you changed your mind. For months, I stood by your side, waiting and hoping that you’d finally be mine. It wasn’t easy, and I had offers left and right, but still, you were the only one who captured my heart.

You had a way about you that made me fall in love. You were fun to be around, started any conversation with an interesting tidbit, and loved to dance. You were everything I hoped to find in a guy. I loved the way you smiled, the way you spoke, and how amazing you were with your scruffy little dog. Your home was my safe space, where I could chill on the couch and talk to you for hours, play games, or binge-watch The Office until we fell asleep.

I loved you.

But you didn’t love me back. I gave you all that I had. I was your therapist, your guru, your drinking partner, your dance buddy, your shoulder to cry on, a warm body to hug, and your own personal walking, talking diary. I wanted to make you the happiest man in the world. Your needs came before mine.

Then I realized I was losing myself.

I lost myself in helping. I lost myself by keeping my emotions in because, hey, you weren’t ready for a relationship. I lost myself by staying quiet when you spoke about dating other women. I lost myself in your bed. I lost myself in wanting you to want me. I lost myself in being perfect for you.

Throughout our time together, I felt as if I had to compete for your attention. Internally, I had to act a certain way, think a certain way, look and dress a certain way. I told you all of my hopes, dreams, and secrets, yet it still wasn’t enough.

You weren’t a bad guy, you just weren’t the one for me, and I finally can say thank you for teaching me that lesson. I was so fixated on finally being yours that I unconsciously put myself on the back-burner. I wasn’t loving myself because I was too busy loving you.

Thank you for the memories, though. Every moment with you felt like a roller coaster—unpredictable, fun, and exciting. But now I know I need stability, reassurance, faith and love.

I hope you finally found what you’ve been looking for.

I sure did, surprisingly. I’m actually in a ‘throuple’: me, myself, and I. And it’s the best relationship I’ll ever be in.