Calling spaghetti “pasquetti” isn’t cute anymore. Say “spa.” Now say “ghetti.” Spaghetti.

When dining at a fast food joint, ask for a water cup, and then fill it with Sprite. You may be obeying your thirst, but you damn sure ain’t abiding by the law.

Only surround yourself with people who bring out the best qualities in you. It sounds corny but it’s true. If you don’t like the way you act when you’re around someone, maybe you should reconsider being around them.

After getting all cotton candy on y’all last week with the boy band business, I figured this week’s playlist should go a bit harder.

This week, I’ll cover smoking weed, an activity that can shift overthinkers into psychological overdrive, taking them down the highway of excessive self-shaming, self-loathing, and mental breakdown.

Body fat. Stop being afraid of getting fat so I can just get fat already. Please. Your vanity is holding me back from being the person I want to be.

When you were young, people would gather at parties to watch you imbibe and exclaim, How does he keep on drinking without getting drunk or sick? This was your training ground.

Now, Sketchers as we knew them are a thing of the past. Instead, toddlers can get their Diane Von Furstenberg fix at Gap, and grow out of it two weeks later. Oscar de la Renta designs for children. A baby walked in a Chanel runway show. I can’t even afford Chanel lipstick.

Why not begin running, learn to get away, and fast. Or you could read a few novels, is there a more efficient way to stack your life with characters who will eventually leave?

“Now that I’m with you again, I’m in agony.”

The good news is you can do this naked. In fact, you can do everything naked. Nothing beats cooking naked, getting into bed naked, eating that meal naked, getting up to pee naked, falling asleep naked, and starting the next day in that same naked state.

Despite all of the glaring similarities, a hair salon is not a used car lot.

Many of them will take this opportunity to turn on you and hiss about how they’re doing JUST FINE THANK YOU as they shuffle away from you like you were about to mace them.