Getting woken up in the middle of the night to wipe shit out of another human’s ass crack might not be your definition of rock-bottom, but it’s mine.

Tucking yourself tightly under the covers so things can’t get you.

Interviewers like candidates who take initiative! Even if they haven’t asked for a drug test, bring a urine sample.

So please, come along with me, and let’s finally learn all the hidden lessons from R.L. Stine books that you missed the first time around, probably because you were too…

11. “A Game of Thrones”: Everyone You Love Will Die

“Breaking up with that awesome girl in college because I wasn’t ready to settle down. Been trying to find a girl that awesome ever since (or remotely close).”

12. Taking a date to Placita Olvera is totally a cute/viable option, most likely with someone you met while hiking Runyon Canyon.

8. Intentionally Out-Obscuring Your Peers

Who said death had to be this morbid. If you’re crying, please stop. What if my death is a glorious celebration? Could you celebrate it for me?

So basically like strip clubs and Quidditch, that’s what I think an internship consists of.

The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don’t have to pay taxes –…

10. “Anchorman: The Legend Continues.”

Intelligence is not measured by exams, creativity not by output, desire not by action and honesty not by circumstance.

You know it’s still on your iPod and, while you may not click on it, if your music is on shuffle and you hear that beat kick in, you’re not…

22. “Silver Linings’ Playbook.”