13 Reasons To Date A Nanny

1. We have a patience threshold like you have never seen.

2-year-old is bawling his head off and failing and trying to throw things at you? Whatever, I can handle this all day.

Everyone has a breaking point but when you’re dealing with children your breaking point has to be higher. They don’t have the ability to process why they’re losing their damn minds; let alone why the adult would be too. When you spend a good amount of time around these little loose cannons you gain the ability to keep calm even when you’re (literally) being screamed at. So if you’re in a middle of a fight and need some time to calm down it’s cool, we can wait until you’re ready.

2. We are experts at time management.

We’ve become absolute masters at sticking to a schedule because (most) kids respond well to routine. We also know how to get from point A to point B in the most efficient way because heaven forbid we be late for Water Babies and when dealing with a toddler, it’s not as easy as get your shoes on and go. You’re never going to be sitting around waiting for a nanny while they putz around wondering what leggings to wear. We’ve got a plan and we’re sticking to it.

3. It nearly impossible to gross us out.

A good 60% of our job is dealing with snot, puke, spit, and (literally) shit. Show us the weird thing on your finger. I’m sure we’ve seen worse.

4. Our ability to multitask is unreal.

Ever had to text the Amazon Fresh guy the correct address while holding a 1-year-old and sautéing veggies? I have. Ever searched for the Tivo-ed episode of Curious George while also answering emails and doing squats for your October squat challenge? I have. Everything may get done at once, but rest assured that it absolutely will get done.

5. We don’t think of silence as bad, but as a blessing.

When you spend most of your day listening to yelling, crying, random PBS themes, and the sound of your own voice, a little quiet time is not only a God send but absolutely necessary. There’s no such thing as an awkward silence, only a welcomed one.

6. We can get shit done lightning fast.

It’s 5:45, parents get home after six and there are toys everywhere and a sink full of dishes? Gimme five minutes and you’d swear we were ready for a Home & Garden shoot.

I’m in the middle of putting away a bunch of kitchen knives and I see the toddler bolt towards the stairs? PSYCH TINY TERROR. I’ll have put away the cutlery and scooped him up before climbing the baby gate was even in reach.

Our reaction time makes Ronda Rousey’s knockout time look like she dilly-dallied. (I’m just kidding Ronda please don’t hit me.)

7. Injuries do not faze us.

Sure, it’s scary when there’s blood and tears and you’re trying to judge whether or not someone needs stitches. But people (big or small) fall down and bang their heads and someone has to be the level one to assess the situation. We’re not going to panic at the sight of an open wound or freak out when someone is hurt. We’re going to be right there with a level head and a Frozen Band Aid ready to make everything okay.

8. We have a knack for finding free and cheap things to do.

Kids are expensive; taking them out and about doesn’t have to be. We have become practically connoisseurs at knowing where the cheap and fun places in our respective cities are. And you know what that means? We can also plan hella cheap and fun dates. You and your wallets will thank us.

9. We are the Gods and Goddesses of comfort food.

Our cooking has to result in meals that children who have arguably the most “sensitive” palates will eat. But they not only have to appeal to the pickiest eaters, they have be nutritional. Show me mac and cheese and I’ll show you how to hide broccoli in that bitch. Show me mashed potatoes and I’ll show you how to get cauliflower in there and still make them fluffy AF. Show me a tomato soup and I’ll show you how to undetectably hide carrots in the broth. And you know what all of that means? We are the Emeril Lagasses of cooking stuff you’ll actually want to eat.

10. Family reunions will never be a big deal.

Once you’ve dealt with a practical stranger’s child, aunts and uncles, and grandparents you can pretty much handle any sort of family affair. Your family cannot possibly be worse than a strange woman trying to correct us about sleep training, I promise.

11. We’re not going to “tap out” when things get grimy.

If we left our jobs every time a kiddo got sick on us or was unreasonably rude and threw a toy our way, we’d be searching for a new job every Tuesday and Thursday. We’re used to things being messy and we know better than to just throw up our hands in defeat when that happens. Instead we’ll be patiently (See? Full circle.) waiting for the storm to calm and then we’ll proceed to fixing the situation.

12. We can turn almost anything into a negotiation, in a good way!

Have you ever had to convince a 7-year-old to eat green beans or deal with a toddler who looked at bedtime like his own personal Dante’s Inferno? Once you’ve mastered that art you can pretty much get anyone to do anything. Within reason, of course.

13. No matter what kind of terror you’re being, we’re able to still see why we love you.

At the end of the day while it may seem like we’re getting paid to go to the zoo and watch Elmo’s World, our jobs involve dealing with tiny people who operate on a primitive level. They get upset and frustrated and often times don’t have the vocabulary to communicate those feelings so, frankly, they turn into itsy-bitsy hurricanes of rage. But even through the meltdowns and the tears, we still care about them. We love those little rugrats, no matter how demonic they can be.

And sometimes, even though you are a grown up who pays taxes and goes to the gym, you are your own hurricane of emotion and you suck to be around. But we can ride that out too. We are able to see through the sucky parts, the not-so-cute parts, and always remember why we love someone. No matter how adult or how tiny.