This Time, I Won’t Let You Go

A year ago from today, I was busy trying to recover from you. I relentlessly tried to clean myself of any trace of you so I could move forward. At the same time, I lived in the past because meeting you had been the peak of my life. Being yours had been one of the greatest titles of my life, and I’d lost it.

No matter how much I threw myself into my work or went on dates, they never had the power you’ve always held over me. Even when I accepted that I’ll never hear from you again, I found myself laughing at all your goofy stories even nine months later. It got easier and easier to pretend that one day your absence in my life would finally make sense. I kept telling myself that you left because you weren’t right for me. But you couldn’t possibly be more right for me. You’re the only one who makes sense for me.

The harder I tried to walk away, the more I gravitated towards you. Eventually, the only way I could cope was by numbing myself to any possibility of love. I’d finally realized that I’d never connect with someone the way we did.

Today, neither of us are the same as we were. But my soul still recognizes you. The way it always has. When I met you, it wasn’t love at first sight, but you felt so familiar. My soul recognized you as its other half from the day we met.

I have so much to tell you. About every time I traced where you once sat on my bed just to feel your presence again. About every time I watched your favorite movie just to relive our first date. About all the open letters I wrote to you, hoping it would finally help me move on. I think it’ll take me forever to fully describe the effect you’ve had on me since the first time our eyes met. And guess what? We have forever.

We sat in my room laughing at how we thought we could move on from each other. What I once thought was a tragedy has turned into the greatest love story I’ve ever known. What makes it even better that our love story has just started. Let’s make up for all those months I was meant to be kissing you. Take me on all the dates that are long overdue. Take me to the place you go when you need to be alone. Take me everywhere you go. And if you can’t, keep me in your heart till you see me again.

This time, I’ll write you a million love letters. This time, I’ll hold you a little longer, kiss you a little harder, love you so much stronger. I’ll give you as many reasons as I can to make you smile. This time, we’ll do the things right.

My prayers have been answered. My baby is home again.

I just want to spend a lifetime memorizing all your likes and dislikes. Call me when you get home. Tell me what you ate today. Find as many excuses as you can to talk to me because I never want to feel your silence ever again. I just want to hear your voice as much as I can.

I was right when I said I’ll never find anyone like you. But guess what? I was never meant to.

Like Lana Del Rey sang, “Heaven is a place on Earth with you.” It took me 18 years, but I can finally relate to the intensity of all her love songs. I didn’t realize how much I’d lost myself until you came back. That’s what I get for trying to desperately fill an empty void with anyone who resembled you even in the slightest. For giving up on my childhood dreams of reuniting with my prince charming. Now that you’re back, I can correct all my mistakes.

Here I am once again, drowning in your deep blue eyes. I am so thankful for another opportunity to hear all your stories, to hold your hand, to be on your mind. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I missed my friends adding your last name to my name just to tease me. I missed wearing your hoodie and having you tell me how adorable I looked. I think I always secretly knew that it was you, even if I told myself otherwise.

You took up permanent residence in my heart, and now in my life too.

I’m no longer scared of the flashbacks I’ll get every time I revisit the same streets we walked together. Let’s walk the same streets for the rest of our lives like we’ve always been meant to.

I owe myself an apology for every time I called myself stupid for all those hours I spent wondering what you were doing. I don’t have to go to sleep holding my pillow tight, pretending it’s you anymore. Because my baby’s finally home, in my arms where you’ve always belonged.

Through this experience, I’ve learnt that love isn’t the butterflies I feel in my tummy when I think of you. It’s not the excitement I feel when I see your face. But it’s the comfort and stability you provide me. It’s the knowledge that just having you in my life makes me feel stronger.

I no longer cry when I hear our song, because here you are holding my hand while we sing it together.

All the memories I have of me forcing myself to delete our texts and pictures are slowly fading away. I’m beginning to forget the pain I endured while breaking the bad news to my friends. From the day you decided to come back home till the moment our time is up, let’s keep making beautiful memories together.

In a way, I’m glad we broke up, because if we hadn’t, I wouldn’t have realized that fate was on our side. Now that you’re here in my arms, I finally see the beauty of falling apart just to come back stronger. I’m finally ready to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I’ve seen the change in the way you look and talk to me. It’s so much more than I ever could have asked for. I finally trust the ways of the universe again.