30 Signs A Woman Watches Too Much Porn

1. When she gets butthurt about me not knowing rope play like jeez I can barely tie my shoes.

2. I dated a girl who was really into premature ejaculation porn and she got annoyed when just her touch wasn’t enough to get me off. That was weird.

3. When they won’t let a man wear a condom.

4. The angry, death grip handjob. Followed by the expectation for a half cup of jizz.

5. When they super speed jerk you off but reality feels like they’re trying to skin you down to the base.

6. Being as rough on your equipment as they are in certain videos.

Protip, ladies: not all men want you to squeeze their balls like you’re trying to get juice from an orange.

7. When she expects you to ejaculate more than 3 times in an hour.

8. When she wants you to fuck her in like 18 different positions, 16 of which are physically impossible unless you’re a body builder and she weighs 80 lbs.

9. When she expects you to be capable of holding her up for more than three seconds.

10. They expect 7-8 inches to be average size

11. I once dated somebody who made anime girl sounds during sex. It was a complete turn off and extremely uncomfortable for me.

12. Sex doesn’t last hours. Sex doesn’t even last 10 minutes most times. If someone tells you they fucked all night for hours, they’re full of shit. There’s breaks, and drinks, and stopping, and foreplay. I have technically engaged in sexual activity for hours at a time. But we aren’t straight having sex for that long.

13. When she randomly sticks a finger or thumb in your butt without asking.

14. When she slaps the head of your penis on her tongue repeatedly during a blowjob. I’m not sure what you think that’s doing, but it’s not doing it.

15. Suction cup noises during oral.

16. When she keeps eye contact while sucking your dick and she slaps her own face with it.

17. When she gags on my dick. It hurts when I hit the back of your throat. I do realize there are a number of gifted women who can just throat the whole thing. Also when she moans like a porn actress, you don’t need to over sell it, I’m already here.

18. She calls me “daddy.”

19. Shower sex. Its slippery, our parts dont line up correctly in those awkward positions and the wet skin nullifies all sensation for me. I cant feel a thing. My girl continues to try and it’s a disaster each time.

20. When she spits on your dick before sucking it while moaning in pleasure.

21. When she puts my dick sideways into her mouth. Like into the cheek but inside the mouth? I dunno why that ever became a thing.

22. Expecting us to be hard as steel for an indeterminate amount of time.

23. When she’s expecting you to get/be rock hard on purpose. Sometimes little guy is excited and I don’t even know why.

24. When they think dicks go from flaccid to erect in 3 seconds and men don’t need any foreplay.

25. Contrary to what you see in porn… if you walk directly up to a guy 10 seconds after walking into the room, flash yourself and say “Let’s go out to the alley and fuck behind the dumpsters” most guys are going to see that as a red flag and maybe try to get as far away from you as possible.

26. When she screams and moans like a pornstar. Hey babe, I just wanna fuck, I don’t want to wake the whole apartment building cause your pretending all 4 inches of this is sending your soul to the almighty above.

27. When she expects your cum to be tasty.

28. She tries to take my entire fist without lube or warming up first.

29. When she expects me to do all sorts of innovative freaky stuff while she lays there like a dead horse and i have to move her into any new positions.

30. Expects to have 8 rounds.