1. “It’s not really cheating because I don’t love you anymore. I just think of you as a really good friend.” 8 years together, engaged to be married.

2. It was with another girl, so not only should it not count, I should be all excited about it.

When your girlfriend cheats on you with a girl, it is no more an opening for a threesome than if she cheated with a dude. Cheating on your SO is not Step 1 in How to Wrangle a Threeway.

3. “We were never together.”

We were very much together.

4. She said, “My mom cheated on my dad when they first started dating.”

5. “Well, you said you love and accept me for who I am with all my flaws! So you also have to accept that I’m sleeping with other women because this is just how I am!”

Uh, no I guess not.

6. When I was in high school, I showed up at my friend’s house for a birthday party for one of my other friends and walked out back to smoke a cigarette. When I walked outside, the girl I was dating was in the pool, topless, legs wrapped around some guy, and playing tonsil hockey with him.

I alerted her to my presence, walked back inside and she followed a few minutes later.

When she came in and I asked her what was going on her response was, “Well, I called your house and nobody answered. I didn’t know where you were, figured you were out cheating on me, so, I thought I’d return the favor.”

I told her (honestly) that I hadn’t been home because my family had gone to dinner at Red Lobster to celebrate my mom’s birthday.

She apologized, I laughed, we split up… and I actually found out later I dodged a major bullet.

7. “I’ve cheated with everyone I’ve ever been in a relationship with.”

Why would you not tell me that before we got into a relationship??

8. “I thought you were cheating on me, so I got revenge!”

9. I caught her cheating on me with someone I knew. Someone I kinda figured she was seeing behind my back and had brought it up to her before.

Her defense was accusing me of being jealous so apparently I made her do it. Me being right is somehow my fault? I just…what.

10. “We’re in an open relationship!”

Except we weren’t. The day before she asked if I would be open to one and I said let me think about it and we can talk tomorrow. The next day comes around and she said she has to go to a study session with one of her friends when i get home. I found out she was at a dick session when she was telling her best friend immediately after.

11. My ex-husband, 21 years ago. I was pregnant with our son. At 5 months I was 3 cm dilated and had already had my labor stopped several times. I was on bed rest and told no sex. He felt completely justified in going out and finding some. He never would concede that it was cheating. It was my job to take care of his needs and he felt completely within his rights to get it elsewhere if I refused.

12. “Well you were looking at porn. It’s the same thing.”

And then after marriage counseling, which she wanted to try to save the marriage since we had a young child, when she wouldn’t stop sleeping around…

“We may have been in counseling but that doesn’t mean we are together so it’s not cheating.”

And then I finally filed for divorce.

13. “I didn’t think you’d find out.”

We had been together for 8 years, married for 3 months and had a young child together when this happened. We are no longer married.

14. “I don’t understand American culture.” Was a pretty good one.

15. My ex said he used it to “sabotage our relationship because it wasn’t going anywhere and I didn’t know how to end it.” Really motherfucker? You couldn’t just say “I’m breaking up with you” instead of destroying my ability to ever trust any other boyfriend I ever have again?

16. “I was testing you to see if you’d stay loyal even if I cheated.”

17. “I made a mistake that all women make at some point. I’m sorry, and I never say that I am sorry, so you know that I mean it.”

She minimized what she did by trying to normalize it. She rationalized it for herself without paying any attention to the hurt that it caused, and lastly, she taunted her incredible virtue of never apologizing. Never apologizing does not make you strong, it makes you an asshole. Red. Flag.

18. “I was practicing for you.”

19. My ex said that she cheated on me because I didn’t ask her not to. I thought that was supposed to be a unwritten rule.

20. “I wasn’t strong enough to tell you myself.” Well thanks, I loved finding out you cheated by coming up positive on an STD test.

21. “She is a shark and you are a rabbit. She took what she wanted and you let this happen to you. Sharks eat rabbits.”

Okay… I think I’ll just hippity hop right on out of this stupidity.

22. “I just felt like I needed more drama in my life. Like I felt like my life was a TV show and it needed more excitement!”

I made sure my part in that “show” was cut.

23. Because I gained 5 pounds. Seriously.

He thought cancer would make me lose weight but when I put on some sadness pounds at the beginning (literally 5, had a doctor appointment earlier that day) he claimed that I became unattractive.

The girl gave him herpes and they’re still together. I wish him no ill will and glad he’s happy but the petty side in me is kinda happy he’s gained some weight and has the herp.

What can I say, I’m not a saint.

24. She blamed cheating on Mars being in retrograde

25. After hiring private investigator and having my husband (at the time) followed and catching him coming out of a hotel with a woman, among other atrocious financial crimes, I asked why he did it and all he could come up with was, ‘because you picked at your food.’ My friends and I still joke about that to this day!

26. My ex was impotent. He tried to have sex with someone else incase I was the problem. I wasn’t. His junk was just broken.

27. My ex always had this weird trust and insecurity issues. Although I was always loyal and faithful to her, I always felt something off about her side of things. When I caught her cheating on me several weeks after I proposed to her (and she accepted), I gave her one last chance to explain her self as to why she would throw all this away and her excuse…because “we weren’t married yet” WTF?!?! and with that I asked for the ring back. Turns out later I found out from her ex that she was cheating on me with him. Although it was hard on me, I am glad I didn’t end up marrying her and having a family because she would have cheated on me behind my back (I probably would have had to work long hours while she became a stay at home mom) and not been happy myself in the marriage.

I ended up meeting someone months later and marrying that person who was 100 times better.

As for her, she ended up marrying the guy she cheated on me with. Either me catching her in the act of cheating scared her straight or she got professional help for her problems in life.

28. He was out with her in her car. I was out with two friends in their car.

We pull up to a popular parking area up on a hill, a vantage point where people often sit. I notice her car, and knew he was out with her. He had told me his two buddies were also with them.

Decide to go to the passenger side window and scare him.

He’s not in there. He’s in the back.

With her on top of him.

His claim was that he “passed out” and she was giving him CPR because she panicked and thought he “had a heart attack”. He was 16, in perfect health.

Couldn’t explain the naked part though. Or why his two friends weren’t there.

29. “Sometimes love is bigger than two people.”

And then she tried to talk me into an open relationship.

30. “She said it was my fault.”

31. She said that it was always my idea to have a threesome, but somehow I was never invited to join! Just to clarify – my idea of a threesome was fmf but hers was mfm. So i guess it was just a big misunderstanding.

32. “He took my virginity years ago and wanted to find out how much better I’d gotten at sex since then.”

So you showed him?

33. I went away on a field trip with uni for a week. Came back to find out he’d slept with two other women. His excuse? “I missed you. I was lonely without you and couldn’t cope. You shouldn’t have left me alone.” Ugh, there was so much wrong with that man, and that relationship .

34. “I wore a condom… technically, I didn’t even touch her!”

35. She cheated because she thought I didn’t care and when I broke up she was angry that I didn’t hit her or shout because it meant I didn’t care.

36. My mom’s ex-fiance’s excuse was “You make more money than me and it makes me look less like a man”. So you slept with her best friend and used up your savings to move to another country only to come back because you fucked up in your jobs?

My cousin, who was 16, found out his girlfriend he had been dating for 6 months in high school has been sleeping with a man twice her age. Her reasoning was “He was more mature than you, I needed maturity in this relationship”. SHe got pregnant by the end of their sophomore year and my cousin was proudly declaring it was not his baby and yelling out “I’m still a virgin!”

Her parents finding out that the baby-daddy was the father’s co-worker must have been incredible.

37. I got one! When confronted she just said, “Well his dick was 30 cm, I just couldn’t resist touching it.” I really couldn’t think of an answer back then.

38. “It’s your fault, you drove me to it.”

Me: Taking care of our two kids younger than 3 years old, working full time, bread winner, doing the household chores… so yeah, I was kind of angry/tired all the time

Him: working in ‘music’, going to concerts all the time and sleeping in.

39. “It was his birthday.” I shit you not.

40. She said she wasn’t cheating, I got sent to me a picture of her (nudes) from the guy she was cheating on me with and he said, “Look familiar?” When I confronted her about it she said those were old pictures and he was just trying to start shit. I was like hmm fair enough, then I realized that the pictures were literally taken in her dorm room that she had just moved into that year and I was standing in the same spot that she took them in as I was talking to her which made me realize, took me a second to realize that but yeah that sucked. Rough time for me on that one.

41. She said, “You’re always so controlling, telling me what I can and can’t do.” It reminded me of The Office when Michale Scott said to Jan “…you cheated on me when I specifically asked you not to.”

42. “I didn’t say it was right, I just don’t care.” Fucked me up man.

43. “I didn’t want him to go to prom alone”. Okay but did you have to fuck him afterwards?

44. My friend from college was fooling around during a party and his girlfriend heard it was happening, so she ran to his room and nearly broke the door down. He was busted red-handed, naked with the other girl. In his drunken stupor, he grabbed his flaccid dick, waved it at his girlfriend and said, “Baby, it doesn’t mean anything to me, my dick’s not even hard!”

45. I “wasn’t paying enough attention” to him/ignoring him. I was bed ridden for weeks with both H1N1 & mono at the time…

46. “The guy she was banging was apparently closer to God than I was.”

47. “You don’t have a job.”

True. I had been ‘between jobs’ for about 2 months. That was enough for her to toss out the marriage and sleep with her boss. I was ok with it – she was insane.

Two weeks later, I filed for divorce. One week after that got a job paying double my old salary. Never looked back.

48. “Well you knew I loved her, so it’s not like it’s unexpected… And I owe her some money so I can’t not fuck her really.”

49. When I caught him he he referred to a poem that I shared with him a few months prior. He said, “Remember ‘the great, blue sky of unspecified desire’? Remember when I agreed with that line?” He thought we agreed to sleep with other people… because poetry.

50. “I was going to leave you anyway.”