You Can Do Better Than Me

You deserve someone better than me because I will never be able to love you. You know this. I know this. You knew it the second you met me. You knew the score, you knew the only dynamic that could conceivably work between us, and you agreed to be the one who’s loved less. You. Not me. Now we’re both paying for it in our own ways.

You deserve someone better than me because you have so much love and you’re giving it all away to a person who’s incapable of returning the favor. Your love is valuable. There are many loveless people out there who deserve it more than me, who would take it with no questions asked and not yell at you for bringing home the wrong kind of sandwich for lunch or go to sleep early to avoid touching you. You could give it to someone who has never felt love before, whose heart is wide open instead of all sewn up. Do it. Leave me. Release me. I give you my permission. I’m not strong enough to do it myself and that’s something I hate myself for each and every day. Not only do I create the mess, I force you to clean it up.

You deserve someone who’s less judgmental, less critical, and gives you more blowjobs. You deserve someone who won’t make you feel nervous, like you’re putting them out, every time you ask for a simple favor. You’re a great person. You have to stop letting me destroy you because I can’t stop myself. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. Take solace in knowing that I will always be the one who’s hurting from this. You’ll move on and find someone who’s going to fill you up with love and I’ll still be here pushing everyone away from me. The one who gets hurt in a relationship isn’t the one who’s going to be in pain forever. It’s the other one, the partner who inflicted the pain, who will be perpetually miserable. Does that make you feel better? Get hurt now. Just get it out of the way so you can learn from me what you don’t want in a partner. That’s the least I could do for you.

I will love someone properly when I know how to love myself. This could take a very long time though so I’m telling you not to wait for me. I’m telling you that I’m not the one for you and I’m not going to change in the near future so please just go. Find someone else. Find some amazing person and spend the first few months talking about how badly I damaged you. Spit on my name. Curse it. It’s the one thing I do deserve.

You, on the other hand, deserve everything. Everything great. Everything that’s not me.