Things You Can Do To Make Me Avoid You

The first thing you can do to make me avoid you is to demand that attention be focused on you at all times. Bonus avoidance if you make your demands unconsciously and belligerently – if you’re so self-centered and absorbed with tales of past conquests that you don’t even realize that you’ve long since worn out any potential interest I may have had in you and replaced it with dread and the feeling that I definitely don’t want to hang out with you again.

I’m probably not going to want to hang out with you again if every time we hang out you’re looking at your Blackberry the whole time. I get that we’re in the information age and everything but I don’t get the point of hanging out if you’re just going to be chilling with someone online the whole time. This is fine – hang out online, you should just stay home, though. Honestly seems kind of abusive to trick someone into coming somewhere who expects to interface with you and actually just be online the whole time.

What’s also ‘abusive’ in some capacity is to tell me things that I can’t tell our mutual friends. I understand the whole bonding nature of secrets but outside of high school bonding over secrets becomes a bit weird. Unless it’s something like cancer or relationship infidelity or serious life issues or whatever, disallowing me from speaking about certain things isn’t a rule system I want to be ‘forced’ into.

I’ll probably start avoiding you if you’re bad to other people, too. There’s a hair in your food at Chipoltle? Ask for a new one, but don’t act like the employees just murdered your cat. Believe me: hair in food is an accident, and yelling at people for accidents is retarded. I’m really not into bitching out service employees, or bitching out anyone, for that matter (there are, of course, extenuating circumstances to this), so if you go around treating bus drivers, servers, baristas, and etc. like an asshole, I’ll definitely think you’re an asshole. Mean people suck.

Chances are high I’ll think you’re an asshole if you talk shit on our mutual friend as well. Shit talking celebrities, memes, songs, famous writers and etc. – that’s okay; it’s unavoidable. And I get that shit talking is a bonding thing – I get that you probably just want to be on a team with me; an Us Against Them sort of thing. But talking shit on people we know is sort of creepy, because when we hang out with the poor girl who you secretly hate, I’m forced to see you act really nice to her and like you’ve never had a bad thought about her. This will invariably dilute my opinion of you, and you might just start seeing less of me.

Finally, I’ll probably want to avoid you forever if you’re the type of person who hangs out with people because they’re Cool. I accept the notion that there exist Cool and Uncool people, but contrary to your beliefs, people can be stratified in different ways. There are different categories people fall into. I don’t want to chill with you if you’re the type of person who hangs out with people because they’re Cool, because, ultimately, if you only hang out with people who you think are Cool, you’re going to reject people because they’re Uncool, which in my opinion is… really Uncool.