To The Boy Who Never Gave Me The Chance To Love Him

To the boy who never gave me the chance to love him:

Do you still think about our time together?

Do you lay in bed replaying the moments that we shared together?

Do you ever stay up thinking “what if”?

I know that the answer is no to all of the above. When things were over between us, the switch clicked off just like that. I no longer mattered to you.

But the fact that I am lying here, still thinking about you and everything that could have been, makes me wonder if any of it was real for you.

Like that time we were standing in an exhibit and I was looking up at you, so impressed with your knowledge of random facts, and you leaned down to kiss me.

Like that time we were in your bed, your fingers running across my stomach and we laid there in absolute silence, our smiles stretching out from ear to ear.

Like that time we laid there in my bed, my head on your chest, our fingers intertwined and pressed against your heart. You kissed my forehead, and once again, we laid there in silence.

Like that time we blasted your favorite song and sat on my couch in our underwear, singing and dancing it to it, not caring how stupid we looked.

I can’t stop thinking about those times, even though I know they’re just distant memories for you.

It feels crazy.

You were in my life for such a short period of time, and yet you’ve managed to have such a huge impact. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to move on and forget about you.

How do you forget someone that reminded you what it was like to get butterflies in your stomach?

Forget the person who could put your entire body at ease with just a touch?

Forget the person that sent shivers down your spine every time he kissed you?

You weren’t just some guy that I went on a couple dates with and things just never clicked. It was the opposite for us. Things clicked so well that it scared you. You were so scared by how natural everything felt between us that the moment I asked for just a little bit more, you ran away.

“I just don’t think I’m ready for this.”

“It wouldn’t be fair to you if we kept seeing each other.”

I did everything in my power to keep smiling and pretend that I was okay with your decision. Even after we thanked each other for our time together and kissed goodbye, I did my best to keep it together.

What you don’t know is that once my keys were jammed into the slot and I walked into some form of privacy, I completely collapsed. I sobbed for hours.

Not only did you not want me anymore, but you didn’t even want to try.

I went from being held in your arms and us staying up into the late hours to knowing I was never going to see you again.

The reality is that I should have known. You were distant between our dates. I always took the initiative to set our next date.

Even though my gut screamed that something was wrong, telling me that I needed to step back. Be logical. Take the emotions out of it.

I knew that I was better than this—waiting around for a guy and letting thoughts of him distract me from my life.

I remember getting so anxious during the time period between our dates that I would just sit there and cry. You made everything feel so real when we were together, but the second you were behind a phone screen, it was like we were strangers. It made me doubt myself and whether I was good enough to have someone as incredible as you.

I kept thinking to myself, “What can I do to make him want to invest? What can I do to make him like me? If I have sex with him, will that bring us closer?”

Everyone around me told me that if you were really in this, I would not be feeling that way. I would not be filled with so much confusion.

How does that saying go? “If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.”

I was always so confused, but then I’d see you, and you’d take my hand, and everything settled down. My heart quieted and my brain turned off and I allowed myself to be swept off my feet by you. I allowed myself to relax and enjoy every second that passed when I was around you, completely ignoring everything else going on in the world.

But I should have listened to my gut.

The reality is that you did not want to be with me. It did not matter what I did or how pretty I looked on our dates or how intimate we would be. It did not matter that everything felt so real between us and that you kept telling me you “saw us progressing.”

Nothing could have changed the fact that you did not see a future with me.

But on nights like tonight, I stay up late and think about what could have been if you had just given us a chance.

If you had given me a chance to love you and yourself a chance to fall in love with me.

Sometimes these nights make me really angry. I’m furious that you just gave up. I’m furious that you made me feel so connected to you, and then without flinching, dropped me out of your life.

I can’t count the number of times I wanted to pick up my phone and call you. Ask you why. Ask you if things could have been different. Ask if you would give me a second chance.

But I’m glad I didn’t send those texts, because none of those messages are what I truly want to say to you.

What I really want to say is: Thank you.

Thank you for showing me that there are good guys out there. Thank you for showing me that there are guys out there who will look at me with so much intensity that it felt like they were staring into my soul. Thank you for showing me that it’s okay to be vulnerable and to allow myself to connect with someone. Thank you for showing me how good it feels to let somebody into my life. Thank you for letting me feel so good in my own skin when I was around you.

Most importantly, thank you for giving me a chance to feel what it’s like to start falling for someone again.

Because of you, I now know the connection I am looking for when I meet up with some guy for drinks. I now know the look I want him to have in his eyes. I now know the feeling I want to have in the pit of my stomach when he kisses me.

I now know that I won’t accept someone leaving me sitting in my room, confused.

So for all of that, I thank you.