The Ugly Truth About Getting Out Of The ‘Friend Zone’

Let’s talk about getting out of the “friend zone.” I get a lot of questions about this topic … usually from women trying to escape the friend zone and enter the relationship zone.

Fortunately, it’s a pretty easy topic to address.

First, I will say that I relate to the confusion. A few years ago I met a guy who I thought was perfect for me. He checked all the boxes and had everything I was looking for. He wasn’t making any sort of move though so I sent a girlfriend in to do some investigating.

She was cool and nonchalant about it. She said, “You and Sabrina seem to have a lot of chemistry, is there something going on there?”

His answer was something along the lines of, “Well, I’m really good friends with her roommate and I wouldn’t want things to get weird so maybe it’s best we just stay friends.”

I naively took his excuse as fact and was determined to show him that I was a cool girl and if he dated me, there would be zero weirdness. I made a point of letting him know that I run a website with my ex-boyfriend (talk about overcoming a weird situation!) and have stayed friends with a lot of the guys I’ve dated in the past. I took every opportunity that presented itself to let him know that dating me carries zero weirdness. I also went on this pathetic quest to prove to him how great we would be together, pointing out our vast similarities, likes, values, and so forth. (I’m feeling a wave of humiliation just thinking back to that time!)

The point is, I made a mistake that a lot of women make when a guy uses the old, “I don’t want to ruin the friendship” excuse. We take it as fact and believe that if ruining the friendship was a non-issue, then he would ask us out and we’d live happily ever after.

I’m not saying you can’t ever get out of the friend zone with a guy, it is possible in some cases, but I am saying it’s a waste of time to put all your time and energy into trying. It’s a waste to tally up the signs to figure out if he likes you more than a friend and all that because …

No guy is ever genuinely concerned with ruining the friendship!

If a guy really likes a girl, the last thought that will cross his mind is fear of ruining the friendship. I have asked this question to countless men and the answer is always the same: no man is ever worried about ruining the friendship with a girl he likes.

If he tells you that this is his reason for not wanting to date you, he’s probably just trying to spare your feelings because the real reason is most likely that while he enjoys hanging out with you, he doesn’t feel enough of a romantic attraction to want to take things further.

This doesn’t change even if you and he have hooked up. All that means is he is somewhat attracted to you, but again, not enough to want to date you because if he did, he would.

It all goes back to what has essentially become my catchphrase at this point since I say it so often: when a guy likes you, it’s obvious.

There is no room for doubt, no confusion, no mixed messages, it’s just clear as day. You know it and everyone around you knows it. You don’t wonder, you just know.

Now there is maybe one other reason why a guy who you’re friends with might like you and not ask you out. The only time this is ever really the case is if he’s afraid of being rejected.

Most men are terrified of rejection and would rather not try as opposed to try and risk being rejected. Getting around this one is easy enough though, just show a little bit of interest. Bam, problem solved.

You don’t need to be obvious about it, just give him something to work with, anything that lets him know that he will not be rejected if he tries to ask you out. If he knows that you are interested and won’t reject him and he has feelings for you, he will pursue you. There won’t be any talk of ruining the friendship or any of that.

It comes down to this simple fact: It goes against a man’s nature to see an opportunity to get something he wants and then not take it.

What if you show him you’re interested and he reciprocates but then tells you he can’t be in a relationship right now?

Well then forget it. If what you want is a relationship then don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t want that. In these cases, nothing you can do will talk him out of it so it’s best to just stay “friends” and continue exploring your options.

The reasons don’t matter, the facts do. If he doesn’t want a relationship, then he doesn’t want a relationship. Maybe the timing is off or maybe he just doesn’t think you and him are a good match. Whatever the case, it’s not in your control

At the end of the day, all you can do is focus on you. Focus on being your best self and on finding a sense of worth that comes from within, and not from men.

And if he wants to stay “friends,” then stay friends … as long as going so won’t negatively affect your life. If it’s going to be painful and make you feel bad about yourself and unworthy, then cut it off and spend more time with your purely platonic friends.

It may feel personal, but trust me, it isn’t. If he doesn’t like you in that way, all it means is he’s not the right guy for you and that’s really OK.