Dear Future Lover, I Am Ready For You

Here I’m again thinking about a future lover. Who will I love? What color will your eyes be? How will you think? What will be the nature of your dreams? What will we laugh about? What will we fight about? What will it be like to wake up next to you every morning? What kind of life will we build together?

Here I’m asking these questions even though I already know the answers. I love you. Your eyes are the color of minerals and your thoughts are like music from another planet. We will laugh about weird jokes on Tumblr and fight about what shade of white to paint the walls of the apartment. Waking up with you will be like a warm breeze on a crisp fall day. Together, a fantasy life, a thousand secret traditions and rituals that will constitute this dream life together.

Here we are sending text messages, talking at a party, laughing as we drink coffee in the park. Do I dare disturb the status quo? Do I gamble the casualness for intimacy? Do I say “you are perfect” and kiss you? Can I let you know how deeply connected I feel to you? Will you understand, will you reciprocate? Is it crazy to be this in love already? What is the subtext of that laugh; the way your hand just brushed across my hand? Am I good enough for you? Will my feelings last? Are you even real?

Here is all the questioning, the endless questing. In this space of uncertainty is not love but a stern reality, a cold and metal wall blocking us. Here is the illusion of separation. Here are the prior commitments. Here is the fear! Here are the old wounds and here is the anxiety of future wounds. Here in this avalanche of questions is the decision you must make — are you romantic enough, are you courageous enough to find out the answers? Will you make the movement? Or stay still?

Taking your hand,
locking my fingers in your fingers
and you look surprised, but happy,
and as I move towards an embrace,
I say:

I’m going to hold you now
and, if that’s okay, I want you to only
let me go when now becomes forever.

Start this life with me, you are all I need.
All I will ever need.
I want you to be mine.

In this moment, as you kiss my cheek, life has never been so vivid, and I can’t believe what is happening, how beautifully entangled we are. We are glowing fire. Then you are whispering something in my ear, a sweet nothing, but as I start to process what you are actually saying I begin in slow motion to shatter into a million little pieces: “I’m onto you. You might love me. But all I know for certain right now is that while all of this was going on in your head you weren’t thinking about me, but about your own feelings for me and that is suspicious.”