This Is What Happens When She Breaks Up With You At Work

It’s seven o’clock and you’re off the clock. Gather your things and say goodbye to the other English tutors and the lead tutor in your department. They don’t really care you’re leaving, and you don’t really care that they don’t care, you’re just saying bye to be polite. Throw your bag over your shoulder and give a wave to the math supervisor as you make your way to the front.

Look to the front entrance at the receptionist desk so you remember why you’re sticking around ‘til the lab closes at eight.

There she is in all her glory. The girl you’ve been dating for about two months now. You’re lucky, you think. This girl who is smart, kind, outspoken, outgoing, incredibly beautiful, and most importantly – strong, actually likes you.

Or so you think.

As you approach her, she flashes you that smile that drew you in the first time you met her. It was at work, in the tutoring lab and was nothing that definitely turned into something. You remember how you just cut your hair when you met her. And not just any regular hair cut with a small snip snip, but you literally chopped it all off. No more emo-girl slash semi-Justin Bieber haircut. You now had I’m a badass haircut that was half faux-hawk, but on bad days mirrored Kate from “Jon & Kate Plus Eight.”

You had seen her when you walked into the tutoring lab for work and walked out of the lab when you got off work, but you never really talked to her. Of course, you said hi because it was the polite thing to do, but that’s all you were – polite.

Then the first day you walked into the lab with your new haircut, you said hi being polite once again and then she responded, “Hi! You look great. I really love your new hair.”

You were caught off guard because that was the first legitimate sentence she’s every spoken to you, and she noticed that you looked different. That could only mean she was paying attention to you pretty much like how you were paying attention to her. Then she smiled.

The next thing you knew, it was your first date, and here you are now walking up to the receptionist you’ve been dating for about two months.

As you reach her desk, she puts her purse sitting on the seat adjacent to hers on the floor and pats the seat. Oblige the gesture and take a seat. She hugs you, but nothing more because you are after all still at work and PDA is inappropriate. It’s okay, you’re sure she’ll kiss you later.

Your phone buzzes, but decide to ignore it. She doesn’t like when you are spending time on your phone especially when she’s spending time with you. Your new iPhone is super cool, but suppress the need to check it and text an ungodly amount of emojis to whoever text you.

As she sits there checking people into the lab, poke her foot with your foot. She likes that because she hates it when you actually poke her in the side. It makes her feel insecure and like you’re prodding her fat. Not that she has a lot of that anyways.

After she finishes checking the students into the lab, she spins around in her chair and hits you on the shoulder. You laugh in pain and take hold of her hand. When she tries to hit you again, grab her other hand interlacing your fingers with hers and pull her close to you.

Tease her by bringing your face closer to hers. When she blushes, pull away and grin. Let go of her hands and feel slightly pleased with yourself. Laugh quietly to yourself, so she doesn’t hear you. She can totally hear you though and says, “Shut up.”

Arielle walks up to you two and says, “Hey, guys!” She should be working, but Arielle isn’t a stickler for the rules. She’s a stickler about her name though – Arielle. Pronounce it like the crab does in The Little Mermaid.

Your girlfriend, well the girl you’ve been dating, not your girlfriend ‘cause you haven’t made it official yet says to Arielle, “Hey, I saw the Facebook relationship status change. Congrats!”

Why does Facebook determine whether a relationship is legit or not?

“Thanks!” Arielle says. “It’s new, but I really like him.” She smiles and then says to the girl you’re dating, “What about you? Shouldn’t you be making your relationship Facebook official?”

While they went into their Facebook conversation, you secretly pulled out your phone and started futzing with it. But the moment you hear Facebook official, your phone drops to the floor. They both stare at you. Say, “Sorry.”

Pick up your phone and go through everything in your head. Did you ask her to officially be your girlfriend? Or did she plan this with Arielle as a big hint she wanted to make things official? Or did she ask you and you just totally forgot? THINK.

Shit…you can’t remember a goddamn thing. Why can’t you remember anything?

Look to the girl you’re dating/possible girlfriend and Arielle and say, “Facebook official? Ooh, that sounds fun.”

You are so stupid, why would you say it like that?

Correct yourself. “Why would you need to make it official? On the book with the face?” That really wasn’t much better, but it got your point across.

The girl you’re dating/possible girlfriend ignores you and says to Arielle, “Well, we haven’t made it official yet, but I’m sure he will soon.”

Hold up…he? Who the fuck is she talking about? ‘Cause last you checked, you didn’t have an extra appendage.

Ask, “I’m sorry, what?” You’re not really asking you’re trying to clarify what the hell just happened. “Who’re you talking about?”

The girl you’re dating/no longer the possible girlfriend shifts towards you and says, “You know, my boyfriend.”

Stand up and walk around in front of the receptionist desk. It feels right to do that rather than sitting next to her. Respond, “No, I don’t know.”

You notice Arielle realizes that she started something she didn’t intend to start, so she says, “I’m gonna go back to work.”

You and the girl look at Arielle and say, “Yeah, you do that.” Your eyes shoot back to one another.

“What boyfriend?” you say loudly.

“The one that I’ve been seeing for the last two months!” she replies frustrated.

WHAT THE FUCK. You have no idea who the hell she is talking about. Boyfriend for two months? She’s been seeing you for the last two months.

Say flatly, “I have absolutely no idea who you’re talking about. To say I’m pretty confused would be an understatement.”

“I told you about him. The first time we went out on a…I mean the first time we hung out. You know at the Americana,” she says.

“Our first date?” you question her. “I think I would remember you mentioning you had a boyfriend on our first date.”

She disregards the date and says, “I told you when we were in front of Anthropologie. Remember? I was like, ‘Oh, my boyfriend…blah blah blah.’”

Laugh because this is becoming ridiculous. “Are you insane? You just said, ‘Oh I love Anthro,’ and that’s it!” Make sure you say that last part in a really high-pitched tone. It’ll make the situation more dramatic than it already is.

“Well, whatever! I have a boyfriend!” she yells finally and actually admitting she has one.

“Awesome!” you yell back. “Thank you for letting me know now. I mean I’m so glad you told me now instead of, oh I don’t know, TWO MONTHS AGO.”

“Why are you yelling at me?” she snaps.

“Because I am so freakin’ confused as to what the hell I’ve been doing with you these last two months. Actually, scratch that. I’m confused as to what the hell you’ve been doing with me these last two months.”

She crosses her legs and arms and doesn’t look you in the eye. She takes a deep and dramatic breath then says, “We were having fun…but I have a boyfriend.”

You’re done. You’re over this shit. Pick your bag up and just leave. As you pick up your bag, the strap gets caught around the back of the chair and won’t budge. DAMN IT.

Go around behind the desk and be reckless as you pull your bag from the chair so the chair lifts up and then drops to the floor. Maybe, just maybe she will finally get how entirely pissed off you are. Once you grab the bag, walk back around and leave.

As you are trying to leave this uncomfortable situation, she takes hold of your hand. Pull it away and say, “Don’t. Just don’t.”

“I don’t understand why you’re so mad at me,” she says with that stupid questioning inflexion.

Drop your bag to the floor, so she can see how completely dumbfounded you are by her. “Really? Do you have any idea how messed up this all is? Like I knew you were dating other people, but having a boyfriend is completely different. Does he know that you’ve been seeing me for the last two months?”

She sits silently. Awesome. You were her dirty little secret.

You’re over it, so say, “I’m done arguing with you about this. At work. I’m just done.”

“Well, you know what?! There’s the door!” she yells and points to the front. NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.

“Yeah! There it is!” What the fuck was that? You have no idea why you said that, but it seemed like the appropriate response. Pick up your bag and throw it over your shoulder and leave.

As you’re walking out, she cries out, “Wait!”

Stop. You’re not sure why, but just stop. Turn slowly around and say quietly, “What?”

“Text me, please,” she says.

Text her? That’s so informal, plus she’s terrible with her phone. You planned all your dates over fuckin’ Facebook.

Laugh at her, “You’re insane. You never text back anyways.”

Turn back around and walk to the automatic doors. You run into the doors because they’re shitty doors and didn’t open.

Yell, “Why don’t these doors ever fucking open!”

Push your way out and leave the dramatic scene of you getting dumped – at your school – in the tutoring lab – the tutoring lab that is your work…in front of everyone.