I Didn’t Want Us To End, But I Needed Us To

I didn’t want us to end, but I needed us to.

I never pictured us ending, I saw us pushing through anything. But by the time April came around, we both became so tired. I didn’t realize it that night when we ended, but I was fighting for someone who left a long time ago. You were not the man I fell in love with. You were hollow, a shadow of who was once there before.

I understand now that we rushed into a relationship. Maybe we would have realized sooner that this wasn’t right, that we weren’t right for each other long-term. When the lines blurred between friends and more, it became so complicated and messy. It took us taking a step back for me to realize we wanted different things, that we are at different stages in our lives. Starting out, I felt as if we were just great, simply at peace together. But soon that faded—we faded. There were too many nights that I questioned if you actually loved me. I believe you did love me; you cared for me greatly. I am not writing this to hurt you in any way or taint our last memories together, but I’m writing this to free myself from the memory of us.

As a goodbye to who I was when I was with you.

The man I fell in love with would have come to bring me to the hospital, not shown up mad after someone else brought me. He would have never turned me expressing my feelings about you being distant into an argument. The man I fell in love with would have made me feel as if I were the only girl in his life, not make me develop trust issues over a drunken night. You were there for me during some hard times, but you forgot to love me.

I deserved better, but I wanted that to be you.

I don’t miss our relationship, but god do I miss my friend. I miss running to you and confiding in you when I can’t even process my own thoughts. Having someone always in my corner and standing up for me. I miss you making me laugh and sending you every funny picture I see. I miss our late night talks or phone calls.

The truth is, I knew our ending was coming two months before. I could feel it. Everything changed—the way you looked at me, how it felt when you touched me, and just your effort, it all changed. I saw it coming, I just decided to enjoy it while it lasted.

I am happier now, stronger.

I could never miss the you that I used to love. I tried.

But I do miss my friend.