To The Friend Who Broke My Heart

How did this happen? How did we all end up like this? Why?

Why you?

We met freshman year and there was an instant connection; I knew you were meant to be in my life. You were there to stress with me over tests, you were there for the afternoon naps, and you were there to hold my hand through the hard times. It’s crazy how we were so close one day and then the next day we weren’t.

You and I were so different but so in sync. I played soccer and you’d come to watch me. You had this positive outlook every day when I couldn’t be bothered to some days. I remember when you and all your friends welcomed me into your group, I felt like I belonged. That was the moment that I gained four new family members and so many wonderful moments to come.

Four years later, you went from being my “tomato” to being just another face in the crowd. How could I ever look at you the same after you betrayed my trust and completely shattered my heart? You were one of my closest friends despite the fact that we didn’t always talk. You knew I loved him; you knew that I’d spent months in agony over our inevitable end. Did you really not think about how much you’d hurt me when you decided to hook up with the then-love of my life? Did you really not think it would hurt me to find out that he had chosen you over me?

You broke my heart when you decided to throw away our friendship with your actions. You broke my heart with one decision.

Please don’t ever tell me that I didn’t care about our friendship. Don’t ever say that I could’ve forgiven you but chose not to, because you could’ve respected our friendship and still you chose not to. Don’t devalue our friendship to make yourself feel better. Don’t try and blame me for any of this. Don’t say that I didn’t love you enough to let it go, because we both know that was never the case.

Don’t tell me that “it just happened,” because you both decided to make it happen with no regard for me. Don’t tell me that you fell in love with him, because you knew that I was madly in love with him; I would’ve done anything for that relationship, and I still would. Don’t try and say that you wanted to not want him, because had that been the case you, wouldn’t have done it.

Don’t tell me that it was just supposed to be a one-time thing. Because once was already one too many times.

I screamed and cried for weeks. I wouldn’t have wished that pain on anybody. I was so angry and still I wanted you to explain to me how you could do this. I called and called, only to realize that you had completely shut me out, blocked me from your life as if I somehow deserved to be ignored. Ignored for what? For trusting you? For being heartbroken?

Sometimes it’s still difficult to understand. I’m angry for ever letting you into my life. I hate that I cared so much about you, only to now hate you.

How could you do this knowing what it would do to me? To all of us?

You put all of our friends in such an awful position, and I feel lucky that they’ve all stood by me and appreciate that they all share in my confusion. Because at least I know that it wasn’t just me. I wasn’t the only one who was left questioning years of friendship. I wasn’t the only one who was left heartbroken.

You completely betrayed me, but I’m the bad guy, right? Because I threw away every gift you ever gave me. Because I talked about myself too much. Because I had problems that you couldn’t begin to understand. We’re horrible because we won’t bend our morals for you, right?

You screw everyone over, but we are the bad guys.

I’ve considered that this will always be a part of who I am. I will always have to work harder at trusting people. It is your fault that I will now have a different perspective on love and friendship for years to come. While I always cherished our friendship, I now feel that you only tolerated it. You kept me around until you’d used me for all you could get from me, even down to the person I loved.

Thank you for fucking me over.

You were the friend who broke my heart.