The Heartbreak At The End Of An Illusion

Everyone talks about the pain and heartbreak of the end of a relationship or a marriage, but no one ever talks about the pain and heartbreak we feel when we lose someone who isn’t even ours to lose. No one talks about how we choose to break our own hearts over and over again because we imagined things that we know will never be true. We fantasize about a person who doesn’t think twice about us.

I don’t understand why I choose to pursue a guy who has made it abundantly clear time and time again he is not interested in me. I don’t understand why I choose to be loyal to a guy who keeps telling me to “do me”.

I should “do me”.

I shouldn’t be up at 2 a.m. thinking about how I’m going to keep myself from texting him tomorrow. I shouldn’t be thinking about how I will never kiss him or hold him. I shouldn’t be thinking about how I’ll never know for sure what his intentions were. I shouldn’t be heartbroken.

But I am.

I want to understand why I miss someone who isn’t going to miss me. Why do I have to constantly choose to think about how I might never see your name pop up on my home screen again. I don’t know why I choose to think the very best of you instead of admitting to myself I don’t really know you at all and I never will.

When I began dating, I was told the hardest part of dating is rejection or the fear of being rejected. I can handle rejection. I can handle a person telling me I’m not pretty enough, tall enough, stable enough, or whatever the case may be. Those are opinions and I respect them. I may not be pretty in the eyes of one person, but I’m beautiful in the eyes of another.

I may not have my life together but I am working on it, and there may be a guy who sticks around to watch me get there and provide support. I may not be a model, but I know I have a lot to offer. I’ve been through a lot, so I am a lot. That’s fine—I’m not for everyone.

Reject me. I can handle it.

What I can’t handle is being ghosted.

I don’t understand how you can build a friendship with someone and allow them to imagine this fantasy life or situation with you and then just disappear. I don’t understand talking to someone, sharing secrets, sharing each other’s goals and dreams, and then just stop talking to them.

It hurts so bad because In my head, you’re this amazing person who was going to be my partner in crime. In my head, we were solving mysteries together and discovering new bands. In my head, we were having adventures that would end in passion. In my head, you’re perfect.

So why would you just disappear? Why would you leave? Now all those imaginary things will remain imaginary. You didn’t give me a chance to show you I’m worth your time. You didn’t give me a chance to see that you’re worth mine. You didn’t give reality a chance. What if it would’ve been as amazing as in my imagination?

I’ll always be thinking of you. I’ll always wonder about the possibilities and wonder about you. I hope even in passing, I cross your mind too.