nah i'm not scared of ghosts. they're scared of me. lookit this one, opening doors for me and shit. THANKS ghostsy. that one's named ghostsy

— tara shoe (@tarashoe) March 3, 2015

https://twitter.com/NicestHippo/status/572793487789178880

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

— joesph (@sad_tree) February 24, 2015

#RelationshipGoals pic.twitter.com/YhNcn7vYcg

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) March 3, 2015

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His nostrils were wider, like the mouth of a dying seagull. He had the hairline of a wildebeest.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 3, 2015

[kidnapped by guy who turns his victims into human board games]
Captive: sorry, but why'd you pick me?
Maniac: oh you'll be Sorry alright

— Knipples (@StevieKnip) March 3, 2015

I get thru life similar to the way I get thru singing along to Semi Charmed Life. I just make sounds that seem correct & hope no one notices

— grace spelman: spokeswoman for loving alan alda (@GraceSpelman) March 3, 2015

https://twitter.com/ScottyTonga/status/572810807144280064

*stares at woman's chest*
Are those real?
"Yes"
*I reach out and grab Star Wars figures she was holding*
An unopened Boba Fett. I love you.

— Dr. Bucky Isotope, IQ 188 (@BuckyIsotope) March 3, 2015

"Do what you love." ~Rich people

— Erica (@SCbchbum) August 7, 2014

https://twitter.com/adamhess1/status/569871684867653635

He died doing what he loved: typing in his needlessly elaborate phone password while driving

— Ristolable (@ristolable) March 3, 2015

Crying man – "my business is failing"
Me – "that's a terrible idea for a business"

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 2, 2015

there are billions of irony levels that haven't even been discovered yet

— Fright Shark (@FrightShark) March 3, 2015

https://twitter.com/MsDBZbabe/status/572815706388971520

https://twitter.com/FascinatingVids/status/572059001426448384