most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) December 12, 2013
Sometimes I can't sleep because I'm excited about cereal.
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) December 11, 2013
Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.
— ceej (@ceejoyner) May 29, 2013
If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you'll eventually be abducted.
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) April 27, 2013
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
— colonel rob fee (@robfee) November 26, 2013
Are you the person who says, "Let's eat outside?" Congrats! Everybody hates you.
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) June 24, 2013
If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) August 27, 2012
https://twitter.com/danguterman/status/228275755782643712
https://twitter.com/nataliejmooney/status/228311131993804800
If you're a vegan who ran a marathon & got your dogs from a shelter, how do you decide which thing to wedge into the conversation first?
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 19, 2012
https://twitter.com/robwhisman/status/339857627913781250
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
— everett byram (@rad_milk) April 16, 2012
I saw a chameleon today so I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) March 27, 2013
I hate it when I think I'm buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they're just REGULAR donuts.
— Robin McCauley Lynch (@RobinMcCauley) November 10, 2012
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out "Marry me?" on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
— Nick (@NickSchug) August 16, 2011
WHY was Mario Kart not called "Mario Speedwagon"
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) May 12, 2012
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 10, 2013
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 5, 2014
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 25, 2013
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
— famous crab 2020 (@famouscrab) August 19, 2012
I'm not the most outgoing at a party but I'm great at smirking at my phone's weather app pretending I'm getting funny texts from friends
— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) November 16, 2012
