I Am Not An ‘I Don’t Give A Fuck’ Kind Of Girl

I’m not an IDGAF kind of girl.

I’m not convinced I ever will be. Sometimes, I wish I was. Life seems easier, black & white, take me or leave me but either way, don’t try and fuck with me. I used to imagine myself one day buying an ‘I DON’T GIVE A FUCK’ slogan tee, and owning it down the street, without being ironic. But the truth is, I give a fair amount of fucks. I’m a sensitive soul and for the most part, I care.  

I care when I’m on the way to work and pass a homeless, helpless guy in the street. I care if my friend thinks I’m being a shit friend. I care if I ever unknowingly hurt your feelings. I care if I’m texting some guy I barely know non-stop, and suddenly he decides he’s going to cut communication without an explanation. I care if I make a careless mistake and it has real consequences for someone else. I care if someone I love is having a tough time, and I can’t melt that pain away.

Here’s the deal – I really don’t give a fuck that I care about all of those things.

I like the fact I don’t want to bring pain to other people’s lives. I like the fact I want to succeed so much so I feel every rejection at heart-level, no matter how trivial it may seem on the outside looking in. I like how I feel everything deeply, in a way others cannot. I like that I care, because I pride myself on being the best version of myself that I can be; and to me, that means being someone who allows themselves to be vulnerable, to feel hurt, address it, and then recover stronger than before. It would be a much easier life if I hand on heart did not give a fuck about any of the above. But easy is not living to the fullest.

I don’t give a fuck if you don’t like me; don’t believe in me, or don’t want to be with me. But do you really think that means it hurts any less when you call someone names and try to beat them down? That it hurts any less being told by someone you’re never going to be successful in your chosen career? Or that it hurts any less when the person you love announces they have fallen out of love with you? I don’t believe I need to begin to tell you how much all of that fucking hurts. Everyone has been there. Everyone has experienced their share of rejection, loss, and pain. So everyone understands the power certain experiences hold to devastate and rip you apart on the inside.

Even if you wear some of the thickest skin, you are not invincible to all of the world’s pain. Nobody is.

I give so many fucks, and I want you to know it’s okay if you do too.

It’s okay to feel compassion, and to care about problems that are not your own. It’s okay if something or someone hurts you, and you end up acknowledging some of that pain. It’s more than okay if you’re not the guy or girl who is able to let everything ping-pong off you, barely even noticing as it does. Allow yourself to feel hurt if you do, but don’t ever allow that hurt to stay. It doesn’t belong inside you.

We’ve been sold this ridiculous notion that not giving a fuck means you’re stronger; that you’re a warrior, who takes no shit, and you’re a total BOSS. I see it differently. How can you pour your blood, sweat and tears into anything, while simultaneously ‘not giving a fuck’? Screw the haters, but you have to care. Don’t convince yourself that you don’t.

Never be all out of fucks to give.