Scott Muska

Boy, I miss the days when I had money to blow on tobacco products.

22. In perfect cadence with every thrust, whisper this in her ear: “You are so much better than my ex. You are so much better than my ex. You are so much better than my ex.”

“So what is it, exactly, that you want?” she asks. Then she jumps right into it. “It seems like for me it changes every day. I just know that, at least right now, I don’t want anything serious.

Here are some things you should NOT say if you don’t want to blow it.

There was a time not too long ago when if you weren’t that close with a person and simply did not want them in your life anymore, you could just phase yourself out of their lives without any tangible notification.

I’m not very comfortable or adept at walking up to girls in bars and then beginning a dialogue with them. So instead, I’ve written the following cover letter that I can hand them after tapping them on the shoulder and before scurrying away, giggling.

OH MY GOD. Bailey and I are not friends on Facebook?

2. I sent your mom an OkCupid message re: how I felt compelled to contact her on account of both of us listing “bacon” as one of our six things we could not live without.

16. I wish we were snuggling right now :/ :/ :/ :/

She’s, like, totally swamped at work.

MY MOTIVATIONS ARE PURE.

I gave Brittnee — the first girl I ever kissed on the mouth — a cheap ass necklace with a heart pendant from K-Mart, I think, and also a Train CD. (She dug “Meet Virginia.”)