Some Questions I Would Like To Ask On A First Date

So, what do you do…when you find yourself in the grip of a crippling existential crisis?

What if we really connected and hit it off tonight and then got serious but I eventually went bald?

How would you react if I told you one of the most unique things about me is that I have four nipples?

What’re your views on copious amounts of chest hair? Like, almost long enough to braid and if left to its own devices will grow high enough to actually connect with a neck beard?

What would your stage name be if you were a rapper, and keep in mind that you can’t choose 2 Chinz or SlenderBoi because those are already taken by yours truly, one for my current state and the other for when I (hopefully) achieve significant weight loss sometime in the not-so-distant future?

Are you someone who likes to cuddle while sleeping? If so, do you find it off-putting to wake up in a puddle of your spooner’s sweat? And since we’re on the topic of slumber, what are your views on not sleeping with your serious significant other or spouse on a nightly basis, if said significant other happened to be better at sleeping on their own, usually in borderline Arctic temperatures?

What are your initial thoughts on a 30-year-old man who still sleeps with stuffed animals and occasionally (okay daily) anthropomorphizes them?

How many times in the past fiscal quarter have you done something specifically to post it on social media, and not because it was something you actually felt like you wanted to do? Did you feel a dopamine spike with each like?

Have you ever found yourself in a position (as it were) where a safe word was warranted?

How many dates would you have to go on, or how close do you have to be with a potential significant other, before you become at least semi-comfortable with farting in their presence? What about taking a dump at their place without even attempting to hide it?

Do you ever wonder what sex would be like if you were a dude? And if given the opportunity would you trade genitals with a man for a day or a week, just to feel what it was like to be on the opposite side of the mating spectrum? Would you find it bizarre if I said I really wanted to have a vagina for a while so that I could finally figure out how they work?

If we were to enter a monogamous relationship, would you be into spicing things up by holding a “Bacon Day” every now and then wherein we watch Kevin Bacon films while eating copious amounts of bacon, maybe in bed? And then once a year having an “Annual Bacon Day Blowout” where we make a mattress of bacon and do with it whatever feels right? Would you chastise me if we had a “Bacon Day” while I was on one of my occasional periods during which I adopt a meatless diet to help temper my cholesterol levels and I substituted in tempeh bacon for its inarguably superior pork-based counterpart?

How much boxed red wine consumed on a daily basis would you say is too much?

Do I appear too drunk right now?

How much does not wanting your potential offspring to inherit certain traits, tendencies, illnesses or aspects of your inherent temperament contribute to where you stand on whether or not you would like to be a parent someday?

Are you the kind of person who needs alone time every once in a while to recharge? Can you empathize with the way I am, or at least sympathize? Will you be upset if things progress and I sometimes have to spend days and nights by myself, taking offense and granting unwarranted credence to the inaccurate notion that I genuinely like to be alone instead of with you? Do you realize that these are the kinds of questions I have to ask up front, because my need for alone time has in the past been a contentious issue, to the point it was a deal-breaker which is kind of sad but also something I actually totally understand?

Do you happen to have any great remedies that help alleviate eczema that shows up often on the back, occasionally on the face and sometimes on the dick?

Do you eat pizza with a knife and a fork? If so, why?

If I were to lend you a book and then we decided to go our separate ways while you still had that book, what would you do with the book?

Do you believe that it is okay to tell lies or untruths if nobody is going to get hurt and it is, in your realistically earnest opinion, for “the greater good?”

What is your favorite thing to do when you’re procrastinating at your place of employment?

Why are boobs good?