Why I Unfriended You

There was a time not too long ago when if you weren’t that close with a person and simply did not want them in your life anymore, you could just phase yourself out of their lives without any tangible notification.

But then Facebook became a thing, and with it, so did “unfriending.”

Now unfriending someone on Facebook is a surefire and vaguely passive aggressive way to let some asshole know you don’t want anything to do with him or her.

But be prepared: when you unfriend someone, they might ask you why you chose to do so.

I’ve prepared an arsenal of answers for you. Please feel free to adapt them as your situation sees fit:

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• You take selfies more often than the way your look and/or style changes in any significant way. You fucking narcissist.

• You’re very good-looking but you have a very serious boyfriend and/or are married, and I’ve long since begun to feel strange about my inability to not look at your pictures.

• You use your Facebook as your personal workout journal and I am unable to handle another of your statuses telling me how much you’ve physically exerted yourself that day. I have grown even wearier of your facile motivational quotes.

• My girlfriend asked me to, and said if I didn’t I would get the hose again.

• I quite honestly get no benefit from our alleged friendship on a daily, monthly or even yearly basis.

• I knew it would get your attention, and I desperately wanted to piss you off. I also just wanted to see if you would confront me about this, so that I could then unleash a diatribe to you about how horrible of a person you are.

• I have a rule where I unfriend anybody who invites me to play Farmville more than three times in one week.

• It’s frustrating to me that you seem patently unable to discern the difference between epic and mundane when it comes to posting statuses for all of your friends to read. I really don’t give a shit that you ate a bagel with hazelnut cream cheese this morning, or that you’re working late AGAIN. And nobody else does, either.

• You’ve posted numerous photographs of flowers your significant other has gifted you. I just have this pet peeve about flowers as gifts. It’s so stupid. Why do decorative flowers even exist anymore? Why can’t everybody just give to charities instead of buying flowers? If you want to see nice flowers, go to a floral conservatory.

• The other day you posted a status chastising a government decision to put more funds toward education, and you did so with spelling and grammatical errors.

• The posts you have been presenting to the public have revealed that you are a homophobe, and as such not someone I would ever want to interact with in a friendly manner.

• I’m going to friend request you again in a few months. I just couldn’t handle another picture of an ultrasound. I figured I’d eliminate that from my life, and then come back into yours when you start posting pictures of the baby post-birth. When, you know, it’s cute and stuff.

• You’re a religious zealot who seems to feel that instead of making an actual effort to spread your religion’s positive principles, it’ll be better to just post some random scriptures on social media.

• Every few times I log onto Facebook, I see a status from you asking people to bring you something or to buy something for you. (“Would someone pleasssse bring me a burrito? #hungry #lazy #nomnom)

• My therapist told me to.

• You habitually post condescending responses to my statuses, and they never seem to encourage positive discourse among intelligent people.

• I hate your face. Your asshole face.

• I’ve never really liked you all that much. I accepted your friend request six years ago because back then I didn’t know how to digitally say “no.” But I’m trying to eliminate toxic things from my life, and you were kind of one of them until I unfriended you a fortnight ago.