What’s Really Standing Between You And Your Soulmate

Sabrina Bendory shares the secret of finding your soulmate. Sabrina is the author of the book Detached: How to Let Go, Heal, and Become Irresistible.

Here is the simple truth. It’s not about finding the right person, it’s about being the right person.

Years ago, I attended a friend’s wedding, and it was a very happy occasion not just because weddings are always happy occasions, but because this friend in particular went through a lot in the love department. From coming home one day and finding her live-in boyfriend of several years in bed with another woman to getting dumped out of the blue by the first guy she really saw a future with after that cheating boyfriend, to going out with one guy after the next after the next after the next and getting nowhere. Seeing how happy she was and how amazing she and her now husband are together was really touching and inspiring. The day before the wedding, she and I got to talking and I asked her how she knew he was the one. She replied, “I knew it on our second date. I just felt like my absolute best self around him.” This is one extremely important point about relationships, one that most people overlook.

Before meeting her husband, my friend had dated a string of really incredible, high-quality guys. The pattern was that they would go out on a few dates (maybe an average of 3–5) and one after the next would pull the plug and end it.

At first she was really hurt, but eventually she just got frustrated and wanted to know why this kept happening. So she decided to be bold and find out exactly why these guys dumped her.

If she had a friend in common with the guy, she would send that person to investigate. If not, she would call the guy up and say in a very casual and non-confrontational way, “I want to ask you something honestly…I thought we had a good thing and I’m just curious to know why you didn’t want to continue dating. I’ve been noticing a pattern in my life of this happening and I’m starting to think maybe it’s me and would really appreciate your insights.”

Because she was coming from a sincere place, she got honest answers. And pretty much every guy gave her the same answer. They all felt she was a bit too muted emotionally and they couldn’t really connect with her because of it.

Once she knew the problem, she went on a mission to correct it. She bought books, attended seminars, and started seeing a therapist to work through some of her issues that she thought might be causing this block. She stopped serial dating and decided to spend some time focusing exclusively on her relationship with herself.

After a few months of hard internal work, she met the man who is now her husband.

“The one thing I wish I’d realized sooner is how important it is to work on yourself,” she told me. “You really should write about this and tell your readers!”

I’ve mentioned the importance of working on yourself already in this book (and don’t worry, we’ll keep talking about it in much greater depth as we go on!), but this is probably my favorite relationship success story so I had to share it to really hammer in the point.

The part I found the most interesting about this story is how a connection was instantly formed when my friend met her husband. I wonder if this would have been the case had she not worked on herself and still been emotionally closed off.

Personal development is a lifetime commitment. We should never, ever, stop trying to be our best versions of ourselves or stop working on improving our weak points. It’s not just about getting a guy, it’s about living a life that is better and more fulfilling all around.

Having an amazing guy in your life is a wonderful thing that can certainly add to your happiness, but it won’t ever be the sole source of happiness in your life. Happiness is an internal state that takes time and work. It isn’t something that just happens; it won’t just show up at your door one day.

To get the love you want, focus on building a solid foundation of self-love. Focus on working on yourself and pushing past those walls that close you off and hold you back. Feelings are scary and being vulnerable can be downright terrifying, but confronting these feelings head on is better than living your life behind Plexiglas.

What’s that like? It’s like sitting inside a coffee shop looking out the window at the New York City streets. You feel like you get a sense of what’s going on out there, but you aren’t feeling the wind in your face, you’re not smelling the street meat, you aren’t immersed in the hustle and bustle, you aren’t filled with that pulsing energy. You are a spectator, not a participant. You’re close, but not close enough to be in it. That’s what happens when you hold yourself back, when you put up a plastic wall, when you live with the fears from your past, and when you take solace in the wall rather than actively working on ripping it down.

Instead of living behind it, say thank you to the wall. It served its purpose but you don’t need it anymore. You are free to let yourself feel and be present and be open, and you are free to remove any obstacles holding you back.

Remember this: Being single has its benefits, but if you want to settle down you need to take a good hard look at what might be holding you back…and make a concerted effort to deal with it!