I’m Sorry If I Make It Difficult To Love Me

I’m sorry that I freak out and second guess myself when things between us are going well. I have lived an eternity at war with my feelings, so raising a white flag and surrendering to you is something I am still trying to learn how to do.

I’m sorry that I question your loving words, even when you follow through with actions. Years of broken promises still haunt me.

I’m sorry that I have so much baggage. I know you say you love the damage, and I know you will be my light through future darkness. I’m just sorry you didn’t meet me before I got here. Even though I’m in awe of you loving this version of me, I want to only give you the beautiful parts of my soul.

I’m sorry that it’s impossible for me to vocalize my feelings. I know that talking to me and asking me questions sometimes feels like pulling teeth. And I know that I have a terrible tendency of bottling everything up. But thank you for being patient with me anyway. Thank you for knowing when to pull and when to retreat without my having to tell you. Thank you for always knowing where to find the answers.

I’m sorry if I ever try to push you away. Sometimes I go through seasons of rain and I will think that, in doing that, I’m protecting you from the storm. But that is when I’ll need you to remind me that you’re not going anywhere. Even if I tell you that that’s exactly what I need you to do. I’ll need you to stick around, because that is when I’ll need you most. That is when I’ll find it hardest to ask for your help. That is when it’ll be the hardest to love me.

I’m sorry to have to burden you with that responsibility, but thank you for making it look so easy.