Stuff You Say When You’re Drunk

“Dude GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER! We are SO going to brunch tomorrow. I know we just met tonight but we will DEFINITELY go to brunch tomorrow. I’m thinking about going to the zoo, too–I’ve always wanted to go to the zoo–do you want to go with me? I was thinking about going to the zoo soon. Are you free on Thursday? I’m not doing anything on Thursday. We should totally go! Did you hear they just had a panda cub there? I want to see this fucking panda.”

“NO WAY. Oh my god it’s been so long!!! What the–how the hell are you? Come over here, come sit! Tell me things like what you’ve been doing, wow! So, it’s definitely been awhile… you’re doing what now? Okay hold on. I’m really sorry, but I can’t remember your name. I was trying to remember it, and I just can’t. I’m a shithead, I’m sorry. I really am excited to see you, though!!”

“Dude let’s race, I’m serious! I bet I can beat you—to that stop sign over there! Yeah, I’m serious. Alright—ready, GO. Hahahaha…. haha… I’m winning!… Agh! Ouch, fucckkkk… What? Yeah I’m ok. Jesus, totally just tore up my arm in that blackberry bush. I’m bleeding? No, I’m not bleeding. Oh, shit… haha. Jesus, I’m bleeding, haha.”

“Oh my goddddd… do you hear what’s playing right now? Do you even know what song this is? How do you NOT know this song? This is the best goddamn song ever. I don’t remember who sings it, that’s not important just–shhhhhh. Ugh. So good. It’s like, from that commercial or whatever with those tigers or hamsters and what not uuuuuugh, this is my song. Let’s just… let’s dance.”

“Okay, just shut up for a minute, this is important. We need to find someone to take us to Taco Bell. Just, no–you can’t drive. You’re too drunk. So listen, I will buy whoever takes us to Taco Bell… I’ll buy them anything they want. Anything they want from Taco Bell. And I’ll give them gas money. I just… shut up for a minute… if I don’t get Taco Bell, you’re going to see a side of me that you wished you hadn’t. I know you think I’m joking, but I’m not. Tell them I’ll give them a cigarette, too.”

“Guys, there’s like, no beer left. Virtually no beer. Should we take shots? Who wants a shot? Raise your hand. Okay, I can’t… how many of you are there? We don’t have enough shot glasses then, so I’m gonna drink from the bottle and the rest of you can have a shot glass or drink from the bottle when I’m done. Someone pour the shots for us.”

“Do you hate me?… Why? Because it seems like you don’t like me. I don’t know, I get these feelings like you’re looking at me or something… Yeah, like you look at me in this way. Ugh, I’m not making any sense—I shouldn’t have said anything… I don’t know what I mean, nevermind! I’m not making any sense, I’m drunk, it’s just that you take these weird passive shots at me sometimes… An example? Well, that one time when we were outside of Redwood, well, actually that wasn’t passive. I don’t know, forget that I said anything. I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m drunk. God, this is embarrassing, I’ve embarrassed myself.”

“Hahahahahahah… Oh, jesus. Hahahahahahahahahaha. That… oh my god… haha… Oh man. Hah. I can’t believe you said that to her. And the look on her—hahahahahaha! Hahahahahahaha. Oh my god. Ok—I’m done. Ok, no. I’m… hah… hahahhahaha.”

“Hey are you sleeping?… What time is it? Oh, I don’t know. I’m drunk! We’re all here at Moebar and we all wish you were here!… What’s that—you’re sleeping? You’re sleeping already? We’ve had so many drinks, it’s so much fun here! I was just thinking about you, that’s all… Oh, okay. Ok, well sleep well… Oh and—What the hell? I think she just hung up on me!”

“I am so not going to text this guy. No I’m not going to do it. Here, take my phone. Wait give me my phone back I need to text him. What should I say? I think I should just be honest about my feelings like… just say that I like them. Bitch shut up don’t tell me what to do I’m going to do this. Wait no I’m not… You’re so right I’m so glad you’re my friend. Did I ever tell you that I’m so glad you’re my friend? Seriously just dodged a bullet there. You always have my back.” [Secretly texts some weird, misspelled shit to aforementioned guy.]

“Were you talking crap about me? I think this bitch is straight up talking smack right in front of my face. I mean, are you serious? I’m not afraid to throw down right now. I will go straight Worcester on your ass!”

“I have to pee sooooo bad. I could pee an entire river right now. Who’s in the bathroom? What are they doing in there, even? Are you fingerbanging in there? God, fingerbanging, remember that? Ouch–stop, don’t make me laugh. Don’t make me laugh or I’ll pee all over you.”

“I seriously love you. Like I’m serious. And it’s not the alcohol talking. I hate it when people say that! My love for you is for real and you’re so important to me. You are just so…special. Do you love me too? WAIT. Don’t answer that.”