“Do you like it? Do you like this sexy sex thing that I am sexing you with?”
“I’m gonna fuck you worse than Chris Christie fucked up traffic in the Fort Lee greater metropolitan area.” (Sotto voce, whisper): “And also worse than he fucked up his 2016 presidential aspirations.”
“You’re a real dirty girl, aren’t you? Hey would you be interested in learning more about Scientology after we’re done this?”
“I’mma fuck you worse than Starbucks fucked up my order for a Triple Venti Soy No Foam Latte.”
“Did you remember to feed the cat? — uhhhh, sex.”
“Are you my little slut?” (Note: this one is not funny, but I actually tried it in real life. The girl sort of grimaced in appallment.)
“So, I’m glad that you could all join me here today for this exciting event; not only does today mark the 394th anniversary of the Pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock, but it also marks the occasion of our first hot-n’-heavy threesome.”
“Hi-five! Now, down low! …Naw; too slow.”
“Do you like that, huh? I mean, ‘like’ in the limited, humean scene, not in the grander, Kantian sense.”
“I mean, wha-aaaat is the deal with dirty talk, amirite? How come we have dirty talk, but not clean talk? Like: ‘I found that very enjoyable. Thank you. Here’s my card if you need to follow up on this for any reason’ …Okay; hi-five again!”
