State Names, In Order Of Sexiness

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1. Hawaii*
2. Florida
3. Georgia**
4. Virginia
5. Texas***
6. Alabama
7. Delaware****
8. Indiana*****
9. California
10. Louisiana
11. Tennessee
12. Montana
13. Kansas
14. Vermont
15. New York******
16. Maine
17. Arizona
18. Nevada
19. Colorado
20. Oklahoma
21. Nebraska
22. Washington
23. Wyoming*******
24. Alaska********
25. Minnesota
26. Mississippi
27. Maryland
28. Michigan
29. Oregon
30. South Carolina
31. Utah
32. Iowa
33. Pennsylvania
34. Missouri
35. South Dakota
36. Rhode Island
37. Connecticut
38. North Dakota
39. New Hampshire*********
40. New Mexico
41. North Carolina
42. West Virginia
43. New Jersey
44. Wisconsin
45. Kentucky**********
46. Illinois
47. Arkansas
48. Idaho
49. Massachusetts
50. Ohio***********

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SCHOLARLY FOOTNOTES

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[1] We’re not going by the sexiness of the states themselves; we’re going by the sexiness of their names. So, if you met someone named “Hawaii,” you’d likely find them more sultry than if you met someone named, say, “New Mexico” — assuming an identical level of attractiveness, good personality-ness, etc…

[2] State names that are also real names in real life seem a little unfair, but whaddya gonna do?

[3] To be fair, you’d have to find either stripper names or the names of cracked-out celebrities to be hot to appreciate most/all of the names on this list.

[4] “Delaware” kept sounding better — and moving further up the list, the longer that I thought about it. What if you met a guy or girl named Delaware? I mean; come on.

[5] “Indiana” unfairly manages to jump about twenty spots solely based on the Harrison Ford/ Dr. Henry Jones, Jr. factor.

[6] …Or maybe it’s just that I’d like to meet someone named “New York.”

[6] “Wyoming” marks the exact point where the names start becoming actively unsexy.

[7] Fairly or unfairly, Sarah Palin is still hurting this state.

[8] I guess in real life, you’d abbreviate some of these, and just call the person, say, “Hampshie” instead of calling them “New Hampshire” all the damn time. Abbreviating also seems like cheating though.

[9] Whoa, these are getting bad.

[10] Just the worst; really, just the worst thing ever.