Another Field Guide To Flirting For The Socially Awkward

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1. Try shouting this, in as loud a voice as possible: “WILL YOU… UH… FUCK ME?!!!” It doesn’t even have to be directed at anyone, is the awesome thing. Maybe do this while standing in the middle of the sidewalk in, say, New York City. You’re just spreading your net wide here, is what you’re doing.
2. Have you considered setting yourself on fire? It’s attention-getting. Like, look at that monk guy. From the Vietnam war? Sure, no one knows his name, but we all know him. Like… the band Rage Against the Machine even put him on an album cover or something after the setting-on-fire-of-himself. That’s when you know you’re a big deal. So maybe try that.
3. Everyone loves cats, therefore acquire as many cats as possible and bring the object of your desire back to your entirely cat-filled apartment. Wear a coat made of cats. When you bring your potential “lover” back to your place, point out all the cats: “Hey, do you like this quilt? I made it out of cats.” Pointing out the quilt will make him/her think of bed, which will in turn put them “in the mood.”
4. Follow your potential lover around for a day and always do exactly what he/she does. Like, when they go to the local coffee shop, go there, and lean against the counter in the same pensive way, at exactly the same time that they do. This will give you things in common and having things in common is important!!!!!
5. Assassinating a major political figure. Going too far or not going far enough? I mean, it didn’t work for John Hinckley/Jodie Foster. On the other hand, he failed to assassinate anyone, plus isn’t she gay or something. Just think about it is all’s I’m saying.
6. Use the word “sexy” a lot. Using the word “sexy” makes people think of sex, which in turn puts them “in the mood” for sex. Like; example — “Hey, this mental asylum/ ashram/ suicide-pact sure is sexy!!!!”
7. Say everything with an exclamation point, if you can’t do that then nothing I tell you will help you!!!!11!!1!
8. Maybe acquire a baby. Those are even better than cats in terms of sparking a conversation. Just acquire one. You know what I’m saying, wink.
9. Go to places where lots of people hang out!!!! You’ll never meet anyone just sitting alone in your apartment! Where do most people hang out? Per capita, probably India or something, so go there!!!!!!!! Don’t forget to bring your baby and your cat coat. If they ask you about these things in customs, just say “I don’t speak Indian or whatevers.”
10. If all else fails, stalk, stalk, stalk! “Stalk ’till you rock.” That’s rhyming advice, and rhyming advice probably just never really fails!!1!!!

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