A History of My Past Few Relationships, Presented in Recipe Form

Hunter’s Chicken

Rebound relationship! You have now magically acquired the talent of seducing girls who are way above your personal hotness level. But every new gift contains a curse — like the way Superman’s powers contain an unexpected weakness to Kryptonite. In this case, whatever hot girl it is will be sick of you within three months.

Aw, but Rachel! She’s cute. And it’s time to cook for her. And you remember one thing from your adolescence. Your dad, who didn’t really speak that much, taught you how to make one dish in order to impress girls: Italian “Hunter’s Chicken,” or “Chicken Cacciatore.” It’s the only thing that you can remember being taught by your dad/ having your dad tell you, apart from these three lessons:

1) Don’t ever get anyone pregnant.
2) Don’t ever take LSD.
3) Don’t ever put on a crew-neck sweater while you have a lit cigarette in your mouth.

All of which are good pieces of advice! And at least your dad wasn’t overbearing, and let you find your own way. Still, “Hunter’s Chicken”; that was the one other thing that you were taught. You remember it, right? You can do this.

“Hi!” you say to Rachel. Oh, she’s so cute and blond and apple-cheeked, with that nice wholesome-to-slutty ratio.

“It’ll just be a second!’ you say.

No, it won’t. You know the recipe involves chopped up chicken, white wine, garlic, and olive oil. But what do you do with these things? When does the wine come into play? Is the garlic chopped or diced or what? You call up your dad. All parenting has failed you. This is not literally true, but this is the sort of panicked thoughts that you have in these sorts of circumstances, which is why you’re a spazz, which probably helps these girls dump you.

“Hi!” you say to your dad. But now, you suddenly remember this — your dad has cancer. And now you’re bothering him about a recipe. And you were so freaked out that you forgot for three minutes that he was dying of cancer, which is the lame sort of thing that you do. And then you and your dad get in a fight. The fight is all your fault. You hang up the phone.

Rachel’s still there. But you still don’t know what to do with the garlic. Should you just take her out to eat? You stare at the telephone. …It’s just a telephone. People use them all the time, every day, in all sorts of circumstances. They use them to talk to their family members, even. …Still, you stare at the phone. Sadness comes pouring in through it.

Hunter’s Chicken — Ingredients: