Forget Skyler: Meet The OTHER Bitches of Breaking Bad!

As we get closer to the finale of AMC’s Breaking Bad, and closer to the inevitable moment die hard fans have been waiting for (the death of Skyler), it’s a good time to really analyze how amazing of a job the writers did in crafting dynamic, yet repulsive female characters.

There’s been a lot of talk about the inherent misogyny in disliking female characters, and I’d like to eschew that right off the bat with this simple fact – this show is all about unlikeable characters! We’re supposed to hate Skyler. In fact, the writers did such a good job of making Skyler a supreme bitch, that it distracts you from all the other bitches on the show. Let’s run through the worst of them.

Andrea

I really don’t know why more people don’t hate this character. Andrea is Jesse’s girlfriend and a recovering addict. After he helps her maintain sobriety, she immediately turns around and expects him to take care of another man’s child. Despite the fact that she is most likely receiving an extremely gender-disproportionate amount of alimony and child support, Jesse is still expected to purchase things for Brock and protect him from being poisoned.

The biggest issue with Andrea is that it’s never made clear whether or not she’s even in the country legally. This is a really creative move on the writers’ part, as it allows the audience to see the flaws in America’s immigration policy. Here we have a Hispanic single mother, not only living unfairly off bogus entitlement programs and a malignant government, but also directly taking money out of the pockets of a real American like Jesse. It shows that the only thing really “breaking bad” here is Obama’s America.

Sklyer’s Lawyer

Look, everyone hates lawyers. They’re pretty easy to hate, but everyone can also agree that Saul is the most likable character on the show. I think they made Saul so much fun just to show us how much of a bitch this woman is.

When I began the process to divorce my husband in 1998, I was an emotional wreck. This is one of the reasons I can partially empathize with Skyler. I had never been alone, and I had never had to handle my irrational impulses without the paternal guidance of a cognitively sound man. Where Skyler and I differ however, is that I had the good sense to consult a male attorney.

Instead of telling Skyler to “snap out of it” when she’s erratically venting about Walt’s illegal operation, instead of leveling her client and dealing with the issue at hand, she instigates the situation by offering to help Skyler bring criminal charges against Walt. How the hell is this supposed to help a divorce case? You’re going to implicate your client in a criminal enterprise just so you can get some lady revenge on men at large? I think her shoulder pads and pants-suit went to her brain and it’s ruining her ability to see things clearly.

Saul’s Receptionist

When she’s not being fat and ignoring her clerical duties, she’s proctoring her tiny domain of a waiting room like a Nazi prison guard by demanding that clients put out their cigarettes. It’s explained that prior to working with Saul, she was employed at the DMV. Typical. She’s got one tiny piece of authority – entrance to Saul’s office – and instead of keeping the interests of her business in mind, she uses it to reinforce her own false sense of importance. Why are you telling the people who pay your bills not to smoke? I’ve been a receptionist for most of my adult life and I know the key to the job is having fun with clients. Show off a little tit, maybe wink at them. Possibly more.

These Female Students In Walt’s Class

Excuse me ladies, this is a lab, not a kitchen. I hated these types of girls in high school – desperate to prove something, taking courses specifically designed for guys. When they undoubtedly fail Walt’s class, one of two things will happen. They’ll either cry to Walt, appealing to his sense of empathy (one of the few characters on the show with a heart) or the parents will indignantly announce academic sexism, probably blaming Walter (the smartest, coolest guy in the world) for their inability to perform. I think it’s obvious why Walt got cancer. The only thing in life he was passionate about was teaching Chemistry, and his skills were squandered on a bunch of morons who are biologically incapable of learning it. I’m sure he got that tumor from a lifetime of inhaling noxious perfume and exhaling despondent sighs in response to questions like, “wait, like, what is an atom again?”

Kaylee – Breaking Bad

Kaylee Ehrmantraut

I’m glad they didn’t ruin this show by giving this awful bitch more screen time. She’s an ungrateful snob. The only reason Mike couldn’t retire after being a police officer – the only reason he had to forgo his own morality and become a criminal himself – was for her. While he’s fighting tooth and nail to put money away for her college fund, she’s callously blowing it on ice cream. Ice cream that Mike has to ask her not to tell her mother about. What the fuck? She knows she’s not supposed to have ice cream and she’s still guilt tripping Mike into buying it for her anyways? What are you, fucking Hitler? Futhermore, what kind of cunt mom doesn’t let her child have ice cream? I bet that’s where she gets her cunt genes, from her cunt mom.

The Baby

Ugh, the fucking baby. Easily the worst character on the show. When she’s not crying, she’s just sitting there, derailing conversations with her passive aggressive silent treatment of literally anyone that speaks to her. She’s only been called to task once in the entire series, when she had to guard Walt’s money from Skyler, and she immediately fucks that up.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “But Nicole, it’s not the baby’s fault, that bitch Skyler smoked during the pregancy!” Sure, you can dispel some criticism of the baby by blaming it on her prematurity and low birth weight, but last time I checked, smoking makes you cool, not a complete bitch. At least that’s how it works for guys, I’m sure women can find a way to fuck that up too. I personally smoked and drank throughout my first born’s pregnancy and now he’s a complete badass. Not only has Mason been to prison twice, he’s also training for the UFC. I can’t guarantee he’ll ever hold a championship title, but I can promise you one thing – he’d beat the fuck out of this baby.