Responding To The Rhetorical Questions Posed By Thought Catalog Titles
What If I’m Always The First To Leave? You get tired at parties? I do that, too, dude. I’ve perfected the move where I tell people I have to use the bathroom, then, when their backs are turned, I just fucking SPRINT out of the bar and go home. Idiots never saw it coming.
How Do You Describe Sex?
“Totally sweet.”
Does Everyone Feel This Fear?
Yes. Sure. I don’t have any idea what we’re talking about, but sure. We all feel it.
What Do Your Google Searches Say About You?
Well, depends on the Google searches, I think. If you searched “Clown Hand Jobs” it would say something different than if you searched “Locksmith Kansas City.”
Why Don’t We Treat Our People Like We Treat Our Dogs?
Because if I put my girlfriend’s food in a bowl on the ground and picked up after her after she used the restroom, she’d press charges.
Are The Talented Exempt From Persecution?
Sometimes. Maybe. I have no idea what this is asking.
What If You Do End Up Alone?
Fuck, dude. Um, it’ll suck? I’ll probably take up a weird hobby? It’s like noon on a Thursday. Let’s chill with that.
What Is It About Marriage That Keeps Us Coming Back?
Maybe the whole “Till death do us part” part. I don’t know.
What Are Men Good For?
Having a motherfucking Y chromosome.
So You Want to Write Online?
Trying to. Something tells me stupid article ideas like this one won’t help my chances.
What Is Sobriety?
Who am I, Jeeves? Uh, I think Merriam-Webster’s would have it meaning something like “Abstinence,” but I can Google it if you really need me to.
Is Cable TV On The Way Out?
We’ll be all On-Demand in ten years. Heard it here first. Commercials are for nerds.
Weren’t You Scared To Leave?
When? My friends once dragged me to see Halloween H2O and I do NOT like horror movies, no sir, no thank you, and when we left my buddy Thorn’s house to go to the theater part of me just wanted to be like, Oh no guys, not this time, but I was young and concerned with what my friends thought of me, so I went, even though I knew it would be TOTALLY scary, and it was, and I spent half the movie with my eyes closed and might have peed a little. So, yeah. What are we talking about?
Do You Like Reality TV?
Sure.
Can We Leave Jennifer Aniston Alone Yet?
NO. SHE MUST PAY.
Could Someone Else Abort Your Baby?
I’ve got about 37 questions I’m going to need to ask you before I can even begin to think about offering an answer to that question.
What If I’m Always The First To Leave?
You get tired at parties? I do that, too, dude. I’ve perfected the move where I tell people I have to use the bathroom, then, when their backs are turned, I just fucking SPRINT out of the bar and go home. Idiots never saw it coming.
Are Young People Too Pressured To Take Up Sports?
Well, if it means cutting down on our nation’s major obesity problem, then maybe it’s a good thing? It’s tough to get young people to go out and spend 45 minutes a day on the treadmill, so maybe sports aren’t so bad?
Should We Say Slut?
Probably not? When would be a good/necessary time to say that?
Is It Really So Bad To Be Looking At Your Phone?
Nah, friend. Check them Twitters. Go on with your bad self.
Is A Relationship Supposed to Be Hard Work?
Depends on the relationship. When it comes to my girlfriend, yes, it should be a little bit hard. If it’s the relationship with my mailman, fuck that, Tony, you deliver my mail. Stop trying to complicate things. 
