I’m Thinking About You More Than I’m Comfortable With

It’s really weird how often I find myself thinking about you. To be honest, the first time I met you I thought you were gross. Not gross as in hygiene, or unattractive (I actually think you’re kind of hot and I have a wild obsession with your lips), but more like the kind of gross where all I saw was fuckboy and I assumed you were just a dude that only wanted to get to know what my body felt like in the dark.

Can’t say much or complain, really, because we met on Tinder. To be honest with you, you’re one of the only guys on a dating app I ever actually met in person or continued to speak to. I don’t know, those kinds of things really just aren’t for me.

I don’t like people in general. It’s hard for me to start to think so-and-so is cool, let alone be attracted to a guy. I kind of hate myself for it, but I am attracted to you. I don’t want to say I like you, but you get it.

We weren’t really romantic or anything, and that’s okay, I’m fine with that, but I enjoy being around you. How weird is that? I think it would actually be fun if we would just kick it. I’m really not digging for more when I say this. I honestly just enjoy your presence (more than I am willing to admit.) I suppose it says a lot about you, maybe I judged you too harsh and too quickly.

I didn’t want to admit it. I could taste it when we kissed. You were all rough edges but you were honeyed sweet. Something in your voice, on your lips, something in your hands made me feel like you were filling in every crack. You made me feel soft and this made me afraid. I wish I hadn’t done things I’m apologizing for now, things that got my throat closing up, my thighs sliding apart every time I see a black Ford truck driving. I guess what I mean to say is that I can’t get you out of my head. I woke up to rain the other night, calling out your one syllable name. And I couldn’t fall back asleep because I kept thinking about the times I bit my lip trying not to scream it into your neck.

I will probably regret saying all of this. But it’s all true. I honestly don’t know what it is. I really do see trucks exactly like yours on the road, so much more than I used to, and I kept telling myself it’s just a coincidence and that it had nothing to do with my brain or with you. But damn it, it’s not true. I have been thinking a lot more about you.

I don’t know. Maybe I’ve just been bored. Maybe I’ve just been lonely. Maybe it’s just been too long since I kissed someone. Maybe it’s been too long since I kissed someone and liked it. If I can be completely honest, when you first touched me I felt it in places I hadn’t in a long time, and if I can keep being honest, I haven’t came the way you made me since that Sunday in May I last saw you.

Maybe that’s all there is to this. I don’t know. I never thought I’d be saying this, but I kind of miss you.