An Open Letter To My 30-Year-Old Self

Let me start by saying, being cheated on fucking sucks. I know right now it feels like everything has just been snatched from you, but it hasn’t. This has nothing to do with you. There was nothing you could have done to avoid it and you will thank God one day that it happened this way. Your life is about to be magic.

You’re angry and I fucking get it. There will be nights where you wake up and your chest will literally hurt because the pain is just too much to deal with. Try not to focus on the people who have hurt you so badly—it’s not worth your time. Eventually, you’ll learn to let go of your anger. Remember, hurt people hurt people.

I know moving home at 30 doesn’t feel like a step in the right direction, but trust me, it is. Home is the best place for you right now. It’ll give you a chance to reconnect with all the people you pushed away. You’re going to be self-destructive and all over the place for a while. Bu, it’s okay. The people who love you will stick by you even though you’ll be pretty horrible to deal with. Be grateful for them.

At times, it hurts. A lot. But you will be okay. The pain? It lessens. One day you’re going to look back on this as a godsend. God is doing for you what you couldn’t do for yourself: Get you out. You don’t know it yet, but that relationship was abusive. It’ll take you a while to understand that. That wasn’t love. Love is not being lied to, being degraded, and made to question yourself and your sanity. Love is not exploding over valid questions and fighting at the drop of a hat. Love is not making you feel flawed and undeserving. Love is not fear. You are worthy, and someone else will want you someday, despite what he’s made you think. Which brings me to my next point. You’re going to spend some time trying to cling to any guy who will give you attention. It won’t be pretty, but after a while and a few misguided Uber rides, you’ll realize you deserve better, and so do they.

The best part? You’re going to get sober. Yep. You’re going to stop drinking altogether. I know, wild. Your first concern is going to be missing champagne at your wedding (which is ironic because you are still single AF) but that won’t matter after a while. Life without alcohol is so much better than you could ever imagine. For real.

At first, you’re going to be uncomfortable. Life seems hard without wine, and so does making friends. But stick with it. It’s going to get better. AA is absolute gold; everything you’ve needed is in those rooms. Lean into it. Connecting with people is hard for you, but connection is what makes life worth living.

You’re going to have “people” for the first time. Let them in. They want to help you, and some of them will become your best friends. Some surprising old faces are going to make their way back to you as well. It’ll be awesome and just what you need. You’ll learn how to go out for coffee, go for walks, and just live without alcohol. You’ll hate it at first, but only because you’re scared. Eventually, you’re going to look around you and see all of these amazing people in your life that you have. You’ll still have problems, but they won’t be nearly as bad as the ones you have now. Life without hangovers is legit. You’re going to suddenly feel alive and present in your life for the first time. I promise you it is worth it. Don’t be scared. Everything you want is so close to you right now. Jump into sobriety. I am so excited for you.

You will know real self-worth for the first time. Loving yourself will still be a battle at times, but finally a battle you’re winning. You’ll still have plenty of faults, but you’re actually going to like yourself. Really like yourself.

Losing him helped you get here. Giving up alcohol helped you get here. Being cheated on helped you get here. Everything that’s happened to you that you’re hating right now helped you get here. You’re going to get everything you’ve ever wanted. Thinking about it gives me goosebumps because I am just so fucking excited for you.

So hang in there—it gets better. I forgive you, I am proud of you, and I fucking love you.

Love, Molly