11 Examples Of How Gross Nature Is

Just look outside your window.

Updated 11 years ago, May 13, 2014

As humans, we run this town. We can kill shit and we can make shit grow. We can create life and we can snuff it out. I believe there is a time for both, and, my friends, right now it’s time to start killing shit.

Just look outside your window. For the most part, nature is a goddamned nightmare. Rats eating cockroaches, snakes eating mice, geese eating Doritos and tampons… it’s just nasty.

Evolution got it right when it made humans; most notably Americans; and most notably me. But along the way, it took some serious wrong left turns.

So, whenever I’m subjected to EPA statistics about deforestation, the fragile state of our ecosystem, and the extinction of countless species every day, I feel warm inside. Quality of life would improve immeasurably if we only had to share the earth with cats and like… tilapia. Baby sloths can stay too. Just the babies.

I mean, imagine walking through Central Park for once without having a fucking heart attack because some rat darts out of a Korean takeout box, or some janky pigeon with a broken beak dive-bombs to steal your brioche and give you Hep-C.

Nature is like fashion in LA. No one just stands up and points to it and says, “Hey that’s god-awful and doesn’t make sense.”

Maybe you disagree. Maybe you saw Avatar… or smoked some really strong weed… and believe that we are all interconnected, and that the universe was created with us in mind. But let me convince you that you’re wrong.

Nevermind that 2/3 of the planet is covered in salt water and hammerhead sharks… even on the little scrap of land that we can occupy there are places that make you shit in your pants. There’s an island (Ilha da Queimada Grande) literally COVERED in deadly poisonous vipers. There’s also an island (Elizabeth isles) covered in flesh-eating coconut crabs.

Fans of SciFi don’t need to imagine scary shit on other planets. It’s all FUCKING right here.

Examples of Nature being gross: