Why Am I Like This?

You can be whatever you want to be.

There is so much truth in this statement.

You can do anything if you put your mind to it. 

There is so much truth in this statement.

What happens to us then? Why is there such a great gulf between who we want to be and we who actually are?

Why can’t we realize our desires? Our dreams?

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do something, but I don’t do it. Why is there this division between my thoughts and actions?

Someone stop me.
Someone stop me.
Someone stop me.

I’m getting fat again. I want to be skinny. 

I’m a slut.  I’m a whore. I’m a liar. I am a drug addict. I swear I will get it right next time.  How many more times can I get it wrong?  I’m so scared of failing again. Deep breath. I don’t want your help. I don’t want to goto rehab. I want to get away.  Start again.

Let me start again, please. There are no second chances in life, I hear my mom screaming these words, not in real time, but in a memory long since passed. Like my chance.