So I’m Scared Of Falling In Love With You

I’m scared of falling in love with you because every time I’ve attempted at love its failed. Not even the type of failing when you just fall off, or when you decide you both need to grow. This epic high budget movie explosion type of failing. I’m scared of falling in love with you because deep down a part of me feels like I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve every hug, every time you look into my eyes, and just the overwhelming sense of happiness you bring into my life. I worry that I am not enough to make you stay. That you’ll need something else, someone else, that I inevitably could never be.

I’m scared of falling in love with you because I don’t want to get used to you being around. The day you came and laid with me in the hospital bed made me realize how you are starting to redefine what home means to me, what love means to me. I know I should be happy with this kind of feeling but I guess I’m scared it’ll go away just as fast as it came.

I’m scared of falling in love with you because I know what loving me back would mean for you. The doctor appointments, seizure episodes, and just the headache of chronic illness. I know the stress it causes and I would never want you to endure that, it’s my burden to keep. Or maybe its because once I open this door with someone, it’ll make it that much harder to let you go. Yet you lay with me and hold me up when my legs give out, you make me believe this illness isn’t bigger than me, that I’m stronger.

I’m scared of falling in love with you because I finally convinced myself I was fine, better off without love. I would be fine if you left, but I really want you to stay. Love is hard. There will be days we both feel like throwing in the towel, but I think what we have is too damn good for that. You have for the first time made me feel safe. That I matter. That someone in the world wants me around. Every day you remind me of why I am glad I didn’t just shut myself off after the past year.

I’m scared because you came without warning and brought the light back into my life, into my heart. No matter how this ends, you showed me I can love still. And for that I am forever grateful.