Being A Good Man Doesn’t Make A Man Whipped

My fiancé is good to me. I wouldn’t have exchanged that title otherwise.

Whenever I need him, he’s there to give advice, hold me, and be with me when things go wrong. He picks up the phone every time I call unless he physically cannot, and anytime he can’t, he’ll let me know when he can call me.

Likewise, he is open with me too. When he is in need of comfort, a laugh, or just someone to talk to, I’m there for there. He inspires that in me.

He doesn’t think your jokes about me being a “ball and chain” are funny. Why make the step of asking me to spend his life with him if I were a punishment? Love is not a punishment. Love is not a life sentence.

He doesn’t go out to meet other girls, nor is he the type of man who thinks that he needs to constantly conquer and court women. I feel confident and proud that my fiancé doesn’t cheat on me. He doesn’t feel that masculinity is determined by how many women you sleep with. Rather, he feels most confident knowing that he has an ally in me.

There is no need to sully our relationship with those trivialities. We wander together, not away from each other. We’re best friends, we’re in love with the souls inside of one another.

That’s why I think he’s a good man. However, many people feel that because he is so willing to make me happy, because he is so kind, giving, patience, and loving that he is less of a man. I have yet to grasp how any of that makes sense. People talk about this kind of a man: the kind that doesn’t wander, the kind that knows where he is home, the kind that wants to make roots. And yet, when faced with such a man, people will say that he is “whipped”, that he has no backbone, that he lets himself be walked all over.

You feed the notion that gives so many men the justification to treat their spouses, friends, and mothers poorly. You feed the culture that says that “boys will be boys,” you feed the culture that promotes cheating, commitment-phobia, never being tied down to one person. You feed the culture that promotes domestic violence, whether you intend to or not, by implying that a man that is good to you is only good for being a joke. In doing so, you leave only the opposite binary which is that a man is only good if you fear losing him, if you don’t feel confident about his love.

I have been with many people that encompassed that ideology. They thought that if they were too nice to me, that I might see them as pushovers and that their secret might come out: that they were human. That they could be vulnerable. And they didn’t want that. It got to the point where even I could not see their vulnerabilities. They hid them so well with the shield of toxic masculinity that I was unable to find them. I vowed to never be with another man that mistook kindness for being less of a man.

Now, I value a man for the things that he provides to my body and soul, the things that can’t be bought or manufactured. I value loyalty, compassion, a will to try, passion.

I think I speak for many people when I say I want you to be vulnerable with me. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t cry. Your whole life people have told you not to cry. I am here to tell you that it is okay, that I don’t think less of you for doing it. Open your wounds to me and I won’t pour salt in them. I want you to love me without restraint.

How many people have told you that you were weak for loving so much? How many kisses have you held back from giving not wanting to be seen as overly sensitive, too sentimental? How many of the traits attached to the stereotype of women have you rejected even though they are so close to your heart?

To set the record straight, my fiancé is not “whipped”. He and I do not belong to each other. We are together, as two separate and complete people. What he does to make me happy he does his own volition. He kisses me tenderly as I’m half asleep (when he doesn’t think I notice). His laugh sounds like music. It is never at my expense.

Work through your fears of devotion. Your discomfort with love and loyalty should not make others uncomfortable too. Love is not a shackle. Love sets you free. Let it.