What I Actually Mean When I Say I’m Fine

When I say I’m fine, I don’t mean it. I don’t mean it, but I don’t need you to know so; I just need you to give me time and sometimes, space. Because when I say I’m fine, it’s not a subliminal cry for help. When I say I’m fine, all I mean is, I will be fine.

When I say I’m fine, I mean that I need to figure some stuff out; by myself. When I say I’m fine, I mean that I have problems that I have to deal with myself. I mean that I want to go through this without any help because I want to teach myself something. It means that I don’t want to depend on you to help me, because I am all I have at the end of the day. I mean that I need to go through this and you can’t help with anything, because you’re help would take all the lessons I’m supposed to learn and replace it with a sense of dependency. I don’t want that; I want the lessons.

When I say I’m fine it’s not because I don’t need you, it’s because I will need me more later and I won’t be able to help myself if I don’t make a habit out of it. Saying that I’m fine is not a passive aggressive way to shut you out, it’s a way of saying, thank you but no thank you, I have to learn to help myself.

When I say I’m fine it’s because I want to deal with the consequences of my actions and let it all take the course it’s meant to take without your intervention. Your intervention is not fair. And even if it hurts, I want life to be fair with me so that I can ask it to be fair for me.

When I say I’m fine, it means I don’t need help; it doesn’t actually mean that I’m fine. And that’s fine.

And unless I trust that you won’t try to help when you shouldn’t, all I will tell you is, I’m fine.