All The Porn I’ve Ever Watched, Pt. 1 of 50,982

The very first gay porn I ever saw was on a VHS tape. I was a freshman in high school, and back then the Internet was still this developing thing, not the Everyday Necessity it is now. This was when you could get a “free trial” of AOL Online and connect to the world (at a glacial pace). But I didn’t have any time for that. I wanted to see gay sex, now.

I don’t really remember the video that much, except that the dudes in it were definitely from the 1970s and they all had mustaches. I don’t have a mustache. But I came home from school one day with the unfortunate surprise that my mom discovered the tape. Ruh roh. That’s always a horror story for a parent, because it means that their child is like becoming hook-upy and stuff. I go inside and I’m all, “Hi mom,” and she’s “washing” the dishes in that “I’m pissed the hell off” kind of way. After that she basically threw the tape at me for A) bringing such debauchery into her fabulous townhouse and B) having proof that her only son had indeed morphed into a (very good, I must say) c*********g faggot. I lied, swearing up and down, up and down that the tape wasn’t mine, that a friend of mine gave it to me, that I was just curious.

When I discovered the World Wide Web I started looking at porn online, and I think a lot of what I know about the types of guys I like, even the kind of sex I like, I learned from porn. Mom and dad weren’t going to show me the rainbow ropes, so to speak. So I had to learn from somewhere. Seeing a lot of porn taught me which sexual role I liked best (top or bottom). I also figured out if you’re black and in a gay porn you’re basically only there to rape the scrawny white twink (so annoying). And I even figured out the truth: all gay men have at least “eight” inches in their pants (please!).  So I guess porn is a really instructional device.

I’ve watched porn in my college dorm, on DVDs, or wherever there’s Internet. I’ve had critical discussions about porn (race, class, gender, sexuality) with my best friend as we talked through each scene, each BJ, each whatever, never sexual, just popcorn, porn and Pepsi, clothes always fully on. On the streets of Paris I was once asked to be in a porn by Jean Daniel Cadinot, a famous French pornomaker. I’ve walked in on roommates looking at porn, used people’s computers where “titty fuck.com” automatically appeared in the browser history when all I typed was the letter T. And I’ll never forget the dude in the computer lab at school who was looking at porn and – wait for it – downloading it to his external hard drive to use later. Right in the computer lab. Unashamed. I thought that was really hilarious. I mean, everybody knows that everybody looks at porn, it’s just that nobody talks about it. How does that tune go from Avenue Q? “The Internet is for Porn.”

Don’t judge me by my taste for porn – it isn’t even all that hard core. I don’t really like group stuff, two dudes (total) is plenty. I don’t like anything with “bears” in it. I don’t like guys who look too white/WASPY (Sean Cody), I don’t love the Abercrombie types (same). I don’t like a ton of muscle. I’m not that interested in pee. I don’t really get into daddies, fisting (omg!) or anything else going in there that’s not the peen.

I guess that’s the thing about porn, though: no matter your fetish, no matter what you want people to do to you, there’s an entire porn industry for you, and it already has a website.

And now – behold! – all the porn I’ve ever watched, behind the jump (NSFW!!!!!!):