I’m Choosing Your Happiness

I thought I could just re-enter your life, re-enter your life like I never left.

I thought that things could just go back to normal.

Although the bond between you and I did not change, everything else did. Everything is so different.

You are happy. And I want you to be happy. But, seeing you happy without me, it kind of hurts. No. It really hurts. You found happiness after I left. You found a different happiness. You found a different happiness that is not me. And that is what hurts the most.

I wish I came back sooner. No. I wish I never left. Then, maybe, just maybe things would be totally different right now. No. I know things would be different. I know life would be so different, so different for you and me.

People say to live with no regrets. But, I do. I regret leaving. I regret walking away from you. I regret it all. I’m angry, just so angry, at no one besides myself. And I don’t know what to do about it.

I know that whatever I say to you, whatever I do to prove to you that I will never leave again, will turn your world upside down. It will ruin your world. It will create chaos. Like a wrecking ball, it will tear down the stable brick walls you built.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a bright red label on my forehead- DAMAGED. It’s a burn. All burns leave scars. All burns leave trauma and nightmares.

I don’t want to put you through anymore pain. I never want to hurt you ever again.

And that’s why I’m choosing your happiness. I’m choosing for you to be happy. Despite the damage, and the trauma that presses down on my heart, I will never stop caring about you. I will never stop loving you. Despite the bad decisions I have made in the past, I will never stop you from being happy. I will never stop believing that fairytale stories happen in real life.

I want you.

But, I want you to be happy.

I am letting you fly.

If it’s meant to be, if it’s meant to be a real life fairytale, if it’s meant to be real, one day it will be.

That’s what I tell myself. Honestly. I think that’s what every girl who is in my situation tells themselves.

Because that small ounce of hope, is a mighty mitochondria.

But, I wonder:

Are we supposed to be friends?

Are we supposed to be best friends?

Are we supposed to be star-crossed lovers?

Are we supposed to meet five years from now in a grocery store? Are we supposed to meet ten years from now in a shopping mall?

Are we supposed to be friends who fall in love?

Are we supposed to be lovers who fall out of love?

Are we supposed to not be friends at all?

Are we supposed to never meet, to never speak?

Are we supposed to fall out of love?

Are we supposed to hide our feelings until we are both ready to pursue them?

Are we supposed to forget about each other and just move on?

Are we supposed to live life like strangers?

Are we supposed to walk by each other in a crowded room and pretend like we do not exist?

Are we supposed to be life-long soulmates?

I do not know.

I guess I’ll never know.

When I look at you, when I am around you, I feel a feeling I have never felt before. I don’t know if it’s love. I have never felt love before. It’s an anxious feeling. A feeling of the unknown. Because the unknown, gosh that shit is terrifying. The what-ifs and the what could be. It’s an unknown feeling of fear and excitement.

I hold on to the unknown.

Maybe we are supposed to fall in love. Or maybe we are already in love with each other and too afraid to admit it.

If I did not walk away, I would not have these questions. I would not think like this.

But, like I said, if it’s meant to be, if it’s meant to be a real-life fairytale, if it’s meant to be real, one day it will be.