Lorenzo Jensen III

“It’s currently 4:00 am and I’ve been in bed for five hours listening to a small girl screaming ‘IT HURTS’ inside my head.”

Centralia, PA. It is a Pennsylvania coal-mining town that ended up having a GIANT underground fire relatively (30 yrs?) recently. The fire burns to this day, and the town has been since evacuated. You can feel the heat from the ground under your feet…

“She didn’t know how to insert a tampon.”

“He didn’t understand the concept of time zones and thought people in a different time zone could tell the future. The whole relationship was a mistake.”

“I’m not a bitch just because I’m not super-friendly right off the bat. It takes me a while to warm up to new people.”

“It was a very cold night so I went and checked on him, thinking he was homeless. Nope—dead body!”

When I’m just about to cum, like literally a second away, please don’t change what you are doing. Don’t suddenly change speed or technique. Just keep doing EXACTLY what you were doing.

“The first time my wife and I had sex, she licked me clean afterwards. She hasn’t done it since.”

“She called out her brother’s name during her orgasm.”

“I got so proud that I was able to make a noose, I also decided to make some homemade ice cream.”

“On Throwback Thursday, I like to comment, ‘Wow! You used to be so pretty!’”

“That little gasp she makes the first time you slip it in.”